In this episode of the Don’t Pick the Scab podcast, I interview Rabbi Avi Kahan, a seasoned mediator, judge, and expert in conflict resolution, who shares deep insights into divorce recovery for men over 40. Avi’s unique perspective stems from his 15 years of experience with matrimonial disputes and his background in both religious and civil mediation. He emphasizes that divorce is not merely an end but an opportunity for immense personal growth and healing.

Avi introduces the concept of transitioning from "needing" a divorce to "wanting" one, explaining that the latter comes from a place of self-awareness and healing. He discusses the importance of reframing divorce as a reset, especially for fathers, where co-parenting becomes the central relationship. Avi stresses the need for men to embrace their role as co-parents, respecting their ex-spouses as the mother of their children, and even providing continued support post-divorce.

Drawing on religious philosophy, Avi explains how conflict resolution is at the heart of religion and human growth. He shares powerful ideas about personal accountability, forgiveness, and creating boundaries for oneself rather than imposing them on others. Avi argues that men should learn to accept and even want the situation they’re in, as this is key to navigating conflict successfully and fostering healthier relationships post-divorce.

The conversation also touches on the destructive nature of child custody battles and the necessity of shielding children from parental conflict. Avi advocates for "romantic divorces," where civility and mutual respect replace litigation, saving both financial and emotional costs. Through storytelling and philosophical insights, Avi provides a thoughtful roadmap for men to heal, grow, and redefine themselves after divorce.

It was refreshing to interview Avi, for he does not conform to the traditional mediation and conflict resolution constructs. Wow! Interesting!

10 Most Important Points:

1. Divorce should be seen as a healing opportunity, transitioning from "needing" to "wanting" it.

2. Fathers and mothers cannot truly “divorce” if they share children; instead, they must restructure their relationship as co-parents.

3. Men should embrace their role as co-parents and aim to support their ex-spouses, even post-divorce.

4. Religious philosophy teaches that conflict resolution is essential for personal growth.

5. Boundaries should be created for oneself, not imposed on others, as they are subjective.

6. Conflict is necessary for growth and can lead to innovative solutions when handled constructively.

7. Shielding children from parental conflict is critical; child custody battles cause deep harm and should be avoided.

8. Litigating divorce and fighting through court systems often exacerbates pain and prevents healing.

9. Forgiveness—of oneself and one’s ex-spouse—is key to moving forward and finding peace.

10. Marriage should be approached with the understanding that it could fail, and one should only marry someone they could also divorce amicably.

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In this episode of the "Don't The Scab Podcast”, host David connects with Jon Emery, a single father of two who transformed his life after divorce and job loss. Jon shares his inspiring journey of resilience and self-discovery, offering valuable insights for men over 40 navigating similar challenges. After losing his job of 20 years and going through a painful divorce, Jon chose to rebuild his life by focusing on personal growth, community, and eventually launching a successful podcast.

Jon credits podcasting as a transformative tool, which not only helped him process his emotions but also allowed him to connect with a global audience and build meaningful relationships. He emphasizes the importance of reaching out for support, finding a community, and engaging in self-care—two areas where men often struggle. Jon recalls how joining a men’s group and taking a masculinity course helped him develop emotional resilience and communicate more effectively.

Jon also discusses the challenges of co-parenting, admitting it’s not easy but manageable when the focus remains on the children. He highlights how he redefined success by prioritizing emotional, mental, and physical well-being. This included establishing a morning routine, exercising regularly, and exploring his spirituality through prayer and church. Podcasting, in particular, gave him purpose and a platform to grow and share his journey with others.

Throughout the conversation, Jon acknowledges that healing and self-improvement take time, but the effort pays off in creating a better version of oneself. His message is clear: divorce can be an opportunity for growth, and men should embrace the journey, seek help, and never give up on becoming their best selves.

10 Most Important Points:

1. Community and Support: Jon stresses the importance of connecting with other men to navigate the struggles of divorce and emotional challenges.

2. Self-Care: Emotional and mental well-being are essential for recovery. Jon recommends letting emotions out and working through them constructively.

3. Morning Routine: Jon’s daily routine includes gratitude journaling, prayer, and motivational content, all of which helped him find balance.

4. Physical Health: Regular exercise and hiring a fitness trainer helped Jon regain strength and confidence.

5. Podcasting as a Tool: Podcasting became a transformative outlet for Jon, enabling him to share and learn from others’ experiences.

6. Redefining Success: For Jon, success now means being the best version of himself emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

7. Co-Parenting Challenges: While co-parenting can be difficult, Jon prioritizes his children’s well-being and maintains boundaries with his ex.

8. The Power of Forgiveness: Although Jon didn’t directly pursue forgiveness, he emphasizes letting go of resentment to move forward.

9. Personal Growth Through Adversity: Jon sees divorce and job loss as opportunities for self-improvement and building a better life.

10. Networking and Relationships: Building relationships through podcasting and events has been key to Jon’s personal and professional growth.

Places to find Jon:

Facebook

YouTube

Instagam

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In this episode of the podcast, David interviews Dr. Bernadette Atanga, a physician and mental health expert with a focus on empowering men through life’s challenges, particularly conflict. Dr. Bernadette shares her extensive experience working with men globally and discusses the unique struggles they face due to societal expectations of emotional suppression. She highlights the importance of mental health in physical well-being, explaining how unresolved emotions often manifest in physical ailments. The conversation delves into the cultural norms surrounding masculinity, the lack of support systems for men, and the need for a men's empowerment movement.

Dr. Bernadette introduces her "PEACE" method, an acronym encompassing Patience, Empathy, Awareness, Communication, and Emotional Intelligence, as a framework to help men heal and rebuild after conflicts like divorce. She emphasizes the significance of acknowledging emotional pain, embracing vulnerability, and redefining masculinity to lead with authentic strength. The discussion also covers co-parenting challenges, the importance of maintaining healthy relationships with children post-divorce, and why patience and self-discovery are crucial before entering new relationships.

Dr. Bernadette shares insights from her upcoming book, Beneath the Armor: Eight Practical Steps for Men to Embrace Vulnerability and Lead with Strength, which provides practical guidance for men to heal and rediscover their identity. The conversation concludes with a powerful reminder that healing starts with a choice and that men must prioritize their own well-being to truly thrive as leaders in their families and communities.

Top 10 Most Important Points from the Interview:

1. Emotional Suppression in Men: Societal norms discourage men from processing emotions, which often leads to internalized pain and externalized anger.

2. Mental Health and Physical Health Link: Emotional stress, such as that caused by divorce, frequently manifests in physical health issues like high blood pressure or unmanaged diabetes.

3. Unresolved Childhood Trauma: Many men suppress childhood pain, which resurfaces during life crises like divorce, affecting their healing journey.

4. The "PEACE" Framework: Dr. Bernadette’s method—Patience, Empathy, Awareness, Communication, and Emotional Intelligence—helps men navigate conflicts and heal.

5. Co-Parenting Advice: Parents must prioritize their children's well-being over personal conflicts, focusing on long-term relationships rather than short-term power struggles.

6. Redefining Masculinity: Men need to move beyond traditional definitions of masculinity tied to dominance and provision, embracing vulnerability and balance.

7. Healing Begins with Truth and Choice: Honest self-reflection and a conscious decision to heal are foundational steps for recovery post-divorce.

8. Cultural Universality of Masculine Struggles: Regardless of geography or ethnicity, men globally face similar challenges around vulnerability and societal expectations.

9. Impact of Divorce on Identity: Divorce often leads to a loss of identity, requiring men to redefine themselves not only for their own well-being but also for their families and communities.

10. Avoiding Rebound Relationships: Jumping into new relationships too soon after divorce often hinders healing and can lead to further emotional complications. Fellas!!!!
    

Dr. Bernadette Contacts:

Linkedin

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