In this episode of the Don’t Pick the Scab podcast, I interview Rabbi Avi Kahan, a seasoned mediator, judge, and expert in conflict resolution, who shares deep insights into divorce recovery for men over 40. Avi’s unique perspective stems from his 15 years of experience with matrimonial disputes and his background in both religious and civil mediation. He emphasizes that divorce is not merely an end but an opportunity for immense personal growth and healing.

Avi introduces the concept of transitioning from "needing" a divorce to "wanting" one, explaining that the latter comes from a place of self-awareness and healing. He discusses the importance of reframing divorce as a reset, especially for fathers, where co-parenting becomes the central relationship. Avi stresses the need for men to embrace their role as co-parents, respecting their ex-spouses as the mother of their children, and even providing continued support post-divorce.

Drawing on religious philosophy, Avi explains how conflict resolution is at the heart of religion and human growth. He shares powerful ideas about personal accountability, forgiveness, and creating boundaries for oneself rather than imposing them on others. Avi argues that men should learn to accept and even want the situation they’re in, as this is key to navigating conflict successfully and fostering healthier relationships post-divorce.

The conversation also touches on the destructive nature of child custody battles and the necessity of shielding children from parental conflict. Avi advocates for "romantic divorces," where civility and mutual respect replace litigation, saving both financial and emotional costs. Through storytelling and philosophical insights, Avi provides a thoughtful roadmap for men to heal, grow, and redefine themselves after divorce.

It was refreshing to interview Avi, for he does not conform to the traditional mediation and conflict resolution constructs. Wow! Interesting!

10 Most Important Points:

1. Divorce should be seen as a healing opportunity, transitioning from "needing" to "wanting" it.

2. Fathers and mothers cannot truly “divorce” if they share children; instead, they must restructure their relationship as co-parents.

3. Men should embrace their role as co-parents and aim to support their ex-spouses, even post-divorce.

4. Religious philosophy teaches that conflict resolution is essential for personal growth.

5. Boundaries should be created for oneself, not imposed on others, as they are subjective.

6. Conflict is necessary for growth and can lead to innovative solutions when handled constructively.

7. Shielding children from parental conflict is critical; child custody battles cause deep harm and should be avoided.

8. Litigating divorce and fighting through court systems often exacerbates pain and prevents healing.

9. Forgiveness—of oneself and one’s ex-spouse—is key to moving forward and finding peace.

10. Marriage should be approached with the understanding that it could fail, and one should only marry someone they could also divorce amicably.

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