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Lily White and the Horrible Dwarves
- Narrated by: JB Burgess
- Length: 2 hrs and 28 mins
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Publisher's summary
What would the story of Snow White be like if the princess was an idiot, the evil queen was completely incompetent, and the dwarves, instead of being happy and silly, were instead super gross and mean? The answer: "Lily White and the Horrible Dwarves", a comedy short story that is so awesome you'll have to listen to it to believe it.
Take your expectations for a fairy tale and throw them out the window! A noble prince? Lame. A humble princess? What a loser! A happy ending? You wish. This audiobook is way better than all that. It will make you giggle, laugh, and ask for more. Either that, or it will make you scream for it all to stop. The only way to know is to listen to it. Download Lily White and the Horrible Dwarves now!
The Funny Stories for Kids series, written by Dr. Dexter Dweezel and Professor Parnassus Pallie, is an ongoing effort to make fairy tales less crappy. Lily White and the Horrible Dwarves is the first in this series, with more to come.
Note: This story is not for babies. It can be crude and has jokes about butts, poo, and drunk people. It also has a bit of cartoony violence. There is no swearing or sexual activity. If this story had a MPGG rating, it would probably be PG, and would be comparable to a modern episode of the Simpsons.
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Story
In the real world, twenty-one-year-old library sciences student Tina Anderson is invisible and under-appreciated, but in the VR-game Forever Fantasy Online she's Roxxy—the respected leader and main tank of a top-tier raiding guild. Her brother, James Anderson, has a similar problem. IRL he’s a college drop-out struggling under debt, but in FFO he's famous—an explorer known all over the world for doing every quest and collecting the rarest items.
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The cover art is great....
- By Johnny Jeppesen on 08-18-18
By: Rachel Aaron, and others
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Fate of the Fallen
- By: Kel Kade
- Narrated by: Nick Podehl
- Length: 12 hrs and 33 mins
- Unabridged
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Everyone loves Mathias. Naturally, when he discovers it’s his destiny to save the world, he dives in headfirst, pulling his best friend, Aaslo, along for the ride. However, saving the world isn’t as easy, or exciting, as it sounds in the stories. The going gets rough, and folks start to believe their best chance for survival is to surrender to the forces of evil, which isn’t how the prophecy goes. At all. As the list of allies grows thin and the friends find themselves staring death in the face, they must decide how to become the heroes they were destined to be.
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Interesting but no KDT
- By Jonathan on 03-11-20
By: Kel Kade
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The Henchmen Chronicles Collection, Books 1-5
- By: Craig Halloran
- Narrated by: Alexander Cendese
- Length: 39 hrs and 37 mins
- Unabridged
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Contains the complete Henchmen Chronicles series.
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for a credit, why not
- By Daniel on 06-24-23
By: Craig Halloran
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Collecting the Goddess
- By: Michael Anderle
- Narrated by: Andrea Emmes
- Length: 17 hrs and 2 mins
- Unabridged
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What is a billionaire heiress supposed to do when all of her older siblings take to business like her parents, proving that business is in their blood. But not hers? There are many good choices. Unfortunately, Chloe decided that partying was the right one. Now, to keep her money, she’s required to attend daily meetings with the family psychologist - daily meetings about how she must change her present to change her future.
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ugh
- By Marie on 07-09-20
By: Michael Anderle
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The Stepsister Scheme
- By: Jim C. Hines
- Narrated by: Carol Monda
- Length: 11 hrs and 29 mins
- Unabridged
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What would happen if an author went back to the darker themes of the original fairy tales for his plots, and then crossed the Disney princesses with Charlie's Angels? What's delivered is The Stepsister Scheme, a whole new take on what happened to Cinderella and her prince after the wedding. And with Jim C. Hines penning the tale, listeners can bet it won't be "and they lived happily ever after."
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This isn't Disney...
- By Brad on 09-20-12
By: Jim C. Hines
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The Lost War
- The Eidyn Saga, Book 1
- By: Justin Lee Anderson
- Narrated by: Euan Morton
- Length: 20 hrs and 4 mins
- Unabridged
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With a ragged peace in place, demons burn farmlands, violent Reivers roam the wilds and plague has spread beyond the Black Meadows. The country is on its knees. In a society that fears and shuns him, Aranok is the first magically-skilled draoidh to be named King's Envoy. Now, charged with restoring an exiled foreign queen to her throne, he leads a group of strangers across the ravaged country. But at every step, a new mystery complicates their mission.
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Holy Cow!
- By Lisa M. Perkey on 05-11-20
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Of Beast and Beauty
- Daughters of Eville, Book 1
- By: Chanda Hahn
- Narrated by: Jesse Vilinsky
- Length: 10 hrs and 42 mins
- Unabridged
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Everyone dreams of marrying a prince - except for me. I am nothing more than a pawn in my adoptive mother's diabolical plot against the seven kingdoms. I was the chosen tool, her sharpened blade that would cut the deepest into the heart of the kingdom of Baist. But like all deadly weapons, my wedding is two-edged sword that could cost me my soul. For I am Rosalie, one of the adopted daughters of Lady Eville, and it is my duty to enter into a loveless and hate-filled marriage with the narcissistic Crown Prince of Baist.
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OF BEAST AND BEAUTY
- By 🐺 SCARLET PIMPERNEL 🐺 on 11-08-19
By: Chanda Hahn
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The Sleeping Dragon
- Guardians of the Flame, Book 1
- By: Joel Rosenberg
- Narrated by: Keith Silverstein
- Length: 8 hrs and 57 mins
- Unabridged
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It began as just another evening of fantasy gaming with James, Karl, Andrea, and the rest ready to assume their various roles as wizard, cleric, warrior, or thief. But sorcerous gamemaster Professor Deighton had something else planned for this unsuspecting group of college students. And the "game" soon became a matter of life and death as the seven adventurers found themselves transported to an alternate world and into the bodies of the actual characters they had been pretending to be....
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A Self Image Cast in Stone Could Shatter
- By Jim "The Impatient" on 10-19-13
By: Joel Rosenberg
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Prodigy of Thunder
- Chronicles of Anna Atticus Stone, Book 1
- By: Sever Bronny
- Narrated by: Moira Quirk
- Length: 24 hrs and 24 mins
- Unabridged
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The youngest warlock to ever wield lightning, 14-year-old Anna Atticus Stone dreams of attending the prestigious Academy of Arcane Arts. Except her life is a mess. She's friendless, her older sister keeps knocking her teeth out, and her parents constantly argue.
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On the fence
- By Tracey M. Bare on 03-05-22
By: Sever Bronny
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Death Becomes Her [Dramatized Adaptation]
- The Kurtherian Gambit, Book 1
- By: Michael Anderle
- Narrated by: full cast, Colleen Delany, Emily Beresford, and others
- Length: 5 hrs and 16 mins
- Original Recording
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There is more in our world than you know. Deep in the darkness of a government building, one man needs to find the perfect solution to a vampire’s request that the government satisfy the debt of honor owed him. If he falls short, the failure will be paid in the blood of the military. He needs three uniquely qualified individuals. He can find only one. One woman, dying, might be the ace-in-the-hole he needs to appease the Vampire. But then, she might also be the one person needed to save humanity. If she is accepted, will she willingly change?
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great adaptation
- By Michael Mason on 11-02-20
By: Michael Anderle
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The Sword-Edged Blonde
- By: Alex Bledsoe
- Narrated by: Stefan Rudnicki
- Length: 8 hrs and 28 mins
- Unabridged
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It should have been a case like any other: a missing princess, a king willing to pay in gold for her return. But before he realizes it, private investigator Eddie LaCrosse, a slightly shopworn sword jockey with a talent for discretion and detection, is swept up in a web of mystery and deceit involving a brutally murdered royal heir, a queen accused of an unspeakable crime, and the tragic past he thought he'd left behind.
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No Redeeming Qualities
- By MightyMite68 on 09-27-20
By: Alex Bledsoe
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Caverns and Creatures: Volume I (Books 1-4)
- By: Robert Bevan
- Narrated by: Jonathan Sleep
- Length: 32 hrs and 43 mins
- Unabridged
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Swords. Sorcery. Dick Jokes. Truly do the gods smile upon you, dear listener, for the first four books in the hilarious Caverns and Creatures series are now available in one audiobook set. Join Tim, Dave, Julian, and Cooper as they are thrown into a hostile fantasy world filled with magic and monsters, and ruled over by a cruel and sadistic game master who taunts and harasses them while he sits back and eats their fried chicken.
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A great listen, but don't listen while in public!
- By Jonathan on 06-26-19
By: Robert Bevan
What listeners say about Lily White and the Horrible Dwarves
Average customer ratingsReviews - Please select the tabs below to change the source of reviews.
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Overall
- Anonymous User
- 12-03-21
Awful
I really regret getting this book. the voices are weird. didn't like the story. really regret using my only credit. wish I could trade back
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- Snap to it
- 02-07-21
So funny and creative!
The dwarfs, "prince", and overall situation combine to break Lily White's spirit in a hilarious way. This book has songs, battles, and constant jokes.
My favorite characters are Tricky Dwarf and Hunkules.
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2 people found this helpful
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- BeLulu
- 08-14-20
Totally inappropriate for children
Really awful with mild violence and prevalent alcohol use. Cheap potty humor because it lacks any actual storyline. Would not recommend to anyone, ever.
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1 person found this helpful