Episodios

  • Are You Avoiding The Work?

    Are You Avoiding The Work?
    Jul 14 2025
    An observation I’ve made in a growing number of people consuming content about attachment,trauma bonding, codependency, and relationship healing. Even MY content.“I listen to their relationship podcast.” “I’ve read all the books on attachment.” “I binge-watch your YouTube videos.”There’s a growing trend where people think that watching videos, reading books, and listening to podcasts equates to doing their attachment healing work.But here's the truth:While consuming content can provide temporary relief from the pain associated with trauma, especially when it validates your experiences (like labeling your partner as a “narcissist”), IT OFTEN SERVES AS A COVERT AVOIDANCE STRATEGY THAT DELAYS THE OUTCOMES YOU WANT:A secure, magnetic connection where you feel confident and connected, where the home is a sanctuary, and you’re not riddled with relationship anxiety.In the past three months, I’ve consulted with not one, but TWO psychotherapists with degrees in Counseling Psychology. One, an anxious attached individual, admitted she couldn't work through her own anxious attachments in relationships. The other struggled to recover from a sense of betrayal after her husband cheated.Despite their intelligence and ability to diagnose and label mental disorders, they both confessed that while they had all the INFORMATION on what was happening…and they could see their behaviors and acknowledge how problematic they’ve been to having success in the intimacy department, their training didn’t help them EMBODY the work of authentic relating, and they didn’t possess the SKILLS of becoming RESPONSIVE rather than REACTIVE to their triggers, and they had no ability to regulate themselves during conflict. They ended up pushing what they truly wanted away. The first one avoided relationships altogether, and the second one was fed up and didn’t want her daughter exposed to the toxicity and disconnection. They had ALL the information. What was missing?Embodied somatic training. That’s why even if you follow all the right social media accounts and know all the information—enough to advise a friend over coffee who’s having issues— and sound really smart about it—your own life might still feel like a disorganized mess.“Do as I say— not as I do.” That’s exactly why I turned to social media to find guides who truly embodied the life I wanted to create. I then immersed myself in the environments they created and DID.THE.WORK.After all, you can’t learn to swim by watching a video. You can’t become a skilled dancer by following podcast instructions.Why?Because to heal our attachment wounds, we must be willing to lean in and have those wounds activated. This means showing up and allowing conversations to trigger what needs to emerge. You need to observe your knee-jerk reactions and consciously create new responses.You have Anxious Attachment and want to heal?Great—then it takes courage to show up and do Neuro-sensory exercises that expand your capacity to be with discomfort.Feel it fully, witness it, and learn a process called “integration.” This helps you find the root of your reactions and build the resilience to respond like your adult self,instead of the needy, wounded child.You can’t heal what you don’t feel—and often watching videos and listening to podcasts is a covert way of avoiding those feelings.Without learning the actual process of becoming Trigger-Proof and integrating these blind spots, WE ARE MISLED INTO BELIEVING THAT INFORMATION ALONE WILL LEAD TO TRANSFORMATION.That's like saying you can build muscle in your arms simply because you know that bicep curls build muscle. Or claiming you can make a soufflé because you watched a tutorial online, without ever actually trying it.You need to pick up the weight and do the work.When you do: • You realize you’re not alone. • You heal in community. • Your attachment wounds ACTUALLY heal. • You show up more understanding, compassionate, and less reactive. • You see yourself in others’ shares and witness your own blind spots. • You are no longer afraid of your fears. • Your confidence soars, and self-worth is the end result.REFLECTION TIME: What aspect of your relationship game needs refinement?- Self Worth (Do you feel you are worthy of a high-value connection?)- Reactivity (Do you have the capacity to RESPOND instead of react?)- Magnetism (Do you have unresolved wounding that is causing you to PUSH AWAY the right people?)Consider the possibility that none of those things can be achieved through videos, books and podcasts alone.Show up.Lean in.Be willing to have your blind spots revealed. Engage and interact. Find your tribe.Your upgraded self awaits. Your wingman on the adventure, Nima.
    Más Menos
    2 m
  • Stop Blaming Yourself—Fix This Instead

    Stop Blaming Yourself—Fix This Instead
    Jul 4 2025
    If you’re having relationship challenges,see if this hits close to home:You've been in therapy for months, maybe years,trying to fix relationships that keep falling into the same patterns.You understand your dynamics.You can articulate your childhood wounds and attachment styles.You know exactly why your relationship struggles keep repeating.But you're still stuck.Still triggered by the same things.Still repeating the same cycles.Still feeling like you're at the mercy of your circumstances.You keep showing up,hoping this will be the session that finally changes everything.But week after week,you leave feeling like you've just paid someone $200to listen to you complain about the same problems.This is the classic therapy vs change dilemma -lots of talking, minimal transformation.For folks who crush it in other areas of life,this creates a particular kind of torture.For people used to solving problems.setting goals, creating strategies, and executing,It works everywhere else.But in the realm of relationshipsthey notice feeling completely helpless.If you can relate, you know it’s likeyou're waiting for someone else to rescue youfrom your own life.Here's what nobody toldmy surgeon client why he was still stuck:In the realm of personal growth and healing…You haven’t identified what"this is working" actually means.Most people approach personal growthlike they're wandering around a foreign city without a destination.They're just... walking.Hoping they'll randomly stumble into a secure relationshipor emotional resilience where they never get triggered,and don’t feel the normal resistance of life.The tension between wanting autonomy,and desiring deep connection.It’s a complicated dance that is ever evolving.It’s heavily nuanced.Therapists ask, "How are you feeling?"You answer, "Better, I guess?"They nod knowingly, and you book another session.But what wtf are you actually working toward?What does success look like in your relationships?In your emotional life?In your daily experience?How are you responding to triggers?How are you navigating conflict?Most people have no clue.They just know they're not happyand they want someone else to figure it out for them.This is why you can spend years in therapytalking about the same issues without any real change.You're not working toward anything specific.You're just... processing.And processing without direction is just expensive complaining.How about you try this on as a new lensto view your issue:You're externally governed.Meaning your emotional state,your sense of worth,your daily experience depends entirelyon what's happening around you.Your partner's in a good mood–You feel good.Your boss gives you praise– You feel valuable.Your friends don't text back quickly– You feel rejected.You're like a pinball, bouncing off whatever energy is around you,with no control over where you end up.One client described her experience as “I feel like a jellyfish”. This victim mentality is exhausting -and it's exactly the opposite of the sovereignty you needto create lasting change.For successful people,this is maddening because it makes no logical sense.You can manage teams,negotiate complex deals,and make high-level decisions.But your emotional well-being is controlledby whether someone texted you back in time.(Not exactly the energy of a high performer.)Here's where it gets even more frustrating:You keep looking for external solutions to an internal problem.The right therapist.The right book.The right partner who will finally understand you.You're essentially waiting for someone elseto come rescue you from your own emotional patterns.But nobody's coming.And it’s not because people don't care.It’s not because help isn't available.It’s more nuanced than that.It’s because the nature of the problemrequires you to stop blaming yourself for past conditioningand start taking responsibility for your future transformation.And most folks have never learned how to do that.Consider the possibility that you've been conditioned to believethat healing happens to you, not through you.You sit in a chair, talk about your feelings,and hope the therapist has some magic insightthat will finally set you free.But insight alone is not how real transformation works.Real transformation happens when you developwhat I call the four pillars of sovereign love:Sovereignty: You're no longer externally governed.Your emotional state comes from within,not from your circumstances.Agency: You have choice.You're not a victim of your patterns,your past, or your partner's moods.Capacity: You can sit with uncomfortable emotions -yours and others' - without losing touch with yourself.This is true emotional resilience.Resilience: You can handle whatever life throws at youbecause you trust your ability to feel your way through it,without having to suppress, distract, or sedate.These aren't therapy concepts.These are life skills.And here's the thing:you get to define what "it’s working for me" ...
    Más Menos
    3 m
  • Why Successful People Feel Dead Inside (And What Actually Helps)

    Why Successful People Feel Dead Inside (And What Actually Helps)
    Jun 29 2025
    If you’ve ever went to a therapist to talk about your problems,see if this resonates:You're sitting in your counsellor/therapist’s office, week after week, talking through the same issues.Your relationship problems. Your childhood patterns. Your communication struggles.You understand everything intellectually. You can analyze your dynamics perfectly. You know exactly what's "wrong" and what you "should" do differently.But nothing changes.If that sounds familiar, here’s why:You can't think your way out of emotional numbness.If you're someone who's built success through intellect and analysis,this might be the most frustrating realization you'll ever face.You're used to solving problems with your mind. It's worked in every other area of your life. Your career. Your finances. Your goals.But in relationships– when we are stuck in what's called "functional freeze,”Our greatest strength becomes our biggest obstacle.What's cool about functional freeze is that it doesn't look like traditional depression. You're not lying in bed unable to function. You're not crying or visibly struggling.From the outside, you look fine. Successful, even.You show up to work. You meet your obligations. You maintain your responsibilities.But inside, you’re…. dissociated.You feel... nothing.Your partner tries to connect emotionally, and you just stare blankly. They share their feelings, and you can't access yours. They get upset, and you shut down even more.This creates a toxic cycle where the more they try to reach you, the more frozen you become. And the more frozen you become, the more frustrated and disconnected they get.For many successful folks, this pattern is maddening because it makes no logical sense.This is why my first marriage ended.Because I didn’t understand this issue with my ex-wife."Why can't I just feel something?" she would say.What she was likely going through: "Why doesn't talking about it help?" (our talk therapy didn’t solve the issue)."Why do I understand everything but can't change anything?"Check this out: functional freeze is actually a brilliant survival strategy your nervous system developed long ago.Maybe you grew up in a family where anger wasn't allowed. Where being "too emotional" was criticized or shamed.Maybe you learned early that the safest way to navigate conflict was to go numb. To shut down. To disappear emotionally while staying physically present.This protected you then. But now, unresolved– it keeps you trapped in relationshipswhere intimacy feels impossible.Here's where it gets really intense:All that anger, sadness, and pain you've been told to suppress…It doesn't just disappear.It gets stored in your body. Compressed. Turned inward. And over time, this internalized emotion manifests as:Chronic fatigue (your body is exhausted from holding all that suppressed feeling)Autoimmune issues (your system literally attacks itself)Depression (anger turned inward)Digestive problems (emotions you can't stomach)Sleep disorders (your nervous system can't truly rest)Your body becomes the repository for every emotion you weren't allowed to feel.And here’s the biggest blind spot…The way out isn't through more analysis or understanding.Or even talking.The way out is through feeling.“Feeling? What specifically?”Specifically, through feeling the emotions you've spent years avoiding.And the first step isn't pretty: it's anger. Sounds counterintuitive, I know. Society tells us anger is "bad." Spiritual teachings often frame it as something to transcend. Therapy sometimes treats it as something to “manage.”But here's what I've learned working with folks stuck in freeze: anger is actually an upgrade.Think about the “emotional ladder”:Freeze/Despair (bottom)Anger/Activation (middle)Safety/Connection (top)You can't jump from freeze directly to connection. You have to go through activation first.This is why I’ll often see when my son has a complete meltdown – screaming, crying, getting angry – and then suddenly he’s fine. Happy. Connected again.That’s because he felt his way up the ladder.But adults– we've been conditioned to skip the feeling part. To stay stuck in freeze because it's "more civilized."But what I had to get was that learning to feel anger –safely and appropriately –is actually the key to accessing joy, connection, and intimacy.Think about it: What if those tears you've been holding back aren't weakness, but the very mechanism your nervous system uses to regulate itself?Watch a child who's been hurt or upset. They cry hard, then they're done. Reset. Back to their natural state of curiosity and connection.That's not childish. That's how the nervous system is designed to work.But most people– especially the successful ones– have been taught that this natural processis somehow wrong or unprofessional.So instead of feeling and releasing, you freeze. You intellectualize. You ...
    Más Menos
    3 m
  • Feeling Helpless When Your Partner Shuts Down

    Feeling Helpless When Your Partner Shuts Down
    Jun 25 2025
    When you’re thinking of the way you do conflict in a relationship,see if this resonates: Your partner comes home from a stressful day. They're quiet. Distant. When you try to connect, they give you one-word answers or just stare blankly.You ask what's wrong. "Nothing," they say. But you can feel the wall between you.You try harder. Maybe you offer solutions, ask more questions, or attempt physical affection.Nothing works. In fact, it seems to make things worse.So you retreat, frustrated and confused. Another evening lost to this invisible barrier.If you’re normally successful in other areas, this scenario creates a particular kind of torture.You can solve complex problems at work. You can manage teams, negotiate deals, and strategize solutions to big challenges.But when your partner shuts down, these same folks who can crush it in other arenasfeel completely weak and powerless.The invitation is for you to understand something deeper:Your partner isn't choosing to shut you out. They're not consciously trying to punish you. They're not even likely consciously deciding to withdraw.They're in what neuroscientists call "dorsal vagal shutdown" – a nervous system state where the body essentially goes offline to protect itself from overwhelm.Think of it as your partner's internal circuit breaker flipping when the emotional load becomes too much.But here's where it gets particularly painful for those who are successful:Everything you've learned about problem-solving actually makes this worse.Your analytical mind kicks in: "What's the issue? How can I fix this? What's the logical solution?"You might offer advice, try to reason with them, or suggest practical steps to address their stress.All of these approaches – brilliant in professional contexts – push them deeper into shutdown.Because you cannot think your way out of a nervous system state. You can only feel your way out.This creates a crappy cycle:Your partner shuts down → You try to problem-solve → They retreat further → You feel more helpless → You either shut down yourself or become agitated → Both of you end up disconnected and hurt.For many couples, this pattern becomes their default. Particularly when both partners are high-achievers who've built their identities around being competent problem-solvers.The frustration is immense:"Why can't they just tell me what's wrong?" "I'm trying to help – why are they pushing me away?" "We can handle everything else in our lives. Why is this so hard?"The exhaustion builds over time:Walking on eggshells, never knowing when your partner might shut down. Feeling like a failure in the one relationship that matters most. Questioning whether you're truly compatible with someone who seems to speak a different emotional language.For men especially, this pattern can feel emasculating. You want to be the person your partner can turn to, but instead, you feel like your presence makes things worse.For women, it can feel lonely and invalidating. You know something's wrong, but you can't break through to offer support.Both partners end up feeling like victims of the other's emotional states.But check this out:Those moments when your partner shuts down aren't relationship failures. They're opportunities to develop one of the most powerful relationship skills possible.The ability to help another human being regulate their nervous system.Becoming a safe “co-regulator” isn't just about being supportive. It's about understanding the actual neurobiology of emotional states and learning to work with them rather than against them.When someone is in dorsal shutdown, they're not being difficult. Their nervous system has determined that the safest response to overwhelm is to essentially hibernate.Your job isn't to pull them out of this state through logic or problem-solving.Your job is to help them feel safe enough to naturally emerge from it.This looks like sitting with them without trying to fix anything. Validating their experience: "I can see you're really overwhelmed right now." Creating space for them to feel whatever they're feeling without judgment.What’s cool about this is that when you learn to do this skillfully, it gives you a superpower in your relationship.Instead of feeling helpless when your partner is dysregulated, you become the person who can help them find their way back to connection.Instead of being victimized by their emotional states, you become a co-regulating presence.I’m not talking about psychobabble theory here. It's a learnable skill based on understanding how the nervous system actually works.The autonomic nervous system has three main states:Dorsal Vagal (Shutdown): Numbness, withdrawal, feeling overwhelmed or frozen Sympathetic (Activation): Anxiety, anger, fight-or-flight responses Ventral Vagal (Safety): Connection, calm, presence, joyMost relationship advice assumes everyone is in the ventral state – calm and able to communicate rationally.But when you look at the last ...
    Más Menos
    2 m
  • How To Help a Struggling Child

    How To Help a Struggling Child
    Jun 19 2025
    If you’re a parent with a struggling child, this is for you.See if you can relate:Your child is acting out again.Maybe it's meltdowns. Maybe it's defiance. Maybe it's withdrawal.Maybe they're anxious, depressed, or just... different than other kids.Your first thought is probably:"They need help. They need therapy. They need to be fixed."But what if the problem isn't with your child at all?If I told you that your child's behavior is actually showing you something much deeper…Would you believe me?Sounds crazy to many of our clients I share this with.They get defensive when I say “the kid is reflectingsomething within you that needs healing.”But eventually they come around when they gather the courage to look.Here's what most parents don't realize:Your child is your mirror.Every behavior in them that triggers you is reflecting something unhealed in you.When they have big emotions and you feel overwhelmed...When they act out and you lose your patience...When they struggle and you feel helpless...You're not just reacting to their behavior.You're reacting to a younger part inside of you.The part of you that was told to be quiet.The part that was shamed for having big feelings.The part that learned emotions weren't safe.(Often they’re the exact age you were at when you were struggling). Your child then becomes your spiritual practice.They show up exactly as they need to, to help uncover the parts of you that were rejected long ago.When your 8-year-old has a meltdown, they're not just processing their emotions—They're giving you a chance to heal the 8-year-old inside you who never got to have those meltdowns without a painful consequence.When your teenager pushes boundaries, they're not just being difficult—They're showing you where YOUR boundaries were violated as a child.This is why sending them to therapy often doesn't work long-term.You're treating the symptom, not the source.The source is the unhealed wounding you carry.The judgments you hold about parts of yourself.The emotional patterns you unconsciously pass down.Your nervous system speaks to their nervous system.You might think that’s “woo” but when you're dysregulated, they become dysregulated.When you judge their emotions, they learn to judge their own.When you can't hold space for your own pain, you can't hold space for theirs.But here's the beautiful truth:When you heal yourself, you heal them too.When you stop judging the wounded parts of yourself, you stop judging those parts in your child.When you learn to regulate your own nervous system, you create safety for theirs.When you integrate your own shadows, your child no longer needs to act them out.The child in front of you is showing you the child inside of you.Every trigger then has the opportunity to become a gift.Every challenging behavior is a doorway.Every moment of struggle is an invitation to heal—Not just them, but the generational patterns that created this in the first place.Imagine this instead:Your child has a meltdown, and instead of losing it yourself, you become their calm anchor.Your teenager pushes back, and instead of taking it personally, you see their need for autonomy and safety.Your child struggles with anxiety, and instead of trying to fix it, you help them learn that all emotions are welcome.This happens when YOU do the inner work first.When you parent the younger version of yourself.When you give yourself the love and acceptance you never received.When you become the parent to yourself that you want to be to your child.Your healing is their healing.If you're ready to transform your relationship with your child by transforming your relationship with yourself—You're exactly where you're supposed to be.Your wingman on the adventure,Nima______________________________________P.S.If your child's behavior is triggering unhealed parts of you, I'm offering a free Intuitive Blind Spot Session (normally $497).In just 30 minutes, I'll help you:Discover which parts of your own childhood are being reflected in your child's behaviorIdentify the unconscious patterns you're passing down without realizing itUnderstand how healing yourself creates the energetic shift your kid needsLearn to become the regulated, grounded presence that transforms your family dynamicThis isn't about perfect parenting—it's about conscious healing.Real change happens when you realize it's not about the child in front of you, it's about the kid inside of you.Comment or DM with:Your biggest challenge with your child right nowWhat you've already tried that hasn't workedWhat kind of family dynamic you want to createEnd with your response : "Nima, can I please get a link to your private calendar?"If you're ready to heal yourself to help your child, I'd love to help you break the cycle. Just make sure you include the back story.
    Más Menos
    1 m
  • Your Body Remembers Every Argument That Never Got Resolved

    Your Body Remembers Every Argument That Never Got Resolved
    May 25 2025
    I watched a client break down in tears yesterday during our session. She's a successful executive, runs a team of 40 people, has multiple degrees... and still freezes like a deer in headlights when her partner raises his voice even slightly."I know it's ridiculous," she told me. "I'm not afraid of him. He's never hurt me. But my body just... shuts down. I either go completely silent or say things I regret later."If this sounds familiar to you– know there's a reason for this, and it has nothing to do with how "strong" or "evolved" you are.Your Nervous System Never Graduated ChildhoodWhen you get triggered in conflict, your body doesn't know it's 2025.Your nervous system is still operating on programming it received decades ago.Think of those moments as a kid when there was tension or conflict at home. What happened next matters more than most people realize:Did someone help you return to calm after the storm? Or were you left to figure it out yourself?For most of us—especially high-achievers who pride ourselves on handling everything independently—we never learned how to move from that heightened state of activation (fight-or-flight) back to safety.Instead, we got stuck in one of two trauma responses:Hypervigilance: Always on edge, quick to react, body constantly scanning for dangerShutdown: Freezing, people-pleasing, disconnecting from your emotionsBoth have the same root: Your nervous system never learned the most critical emotional skill of all—how to repair after rupture.The Truth About Why Conflict can be terrifyingI meet so many accomplished people who:Can navigate corporate boardrooms effortlessly but fall apart during arguments with loved onesExcel at crisis management at work but avoid even minor disagreements at homeCan solve complex problems for clients but freeze when their partner seems upset.If you can relate to this, know thatIt's not your fault. Seriously.If you were raised in an environment where conflict either: Escalated without resolution, orWas completely avoided and suppressed......then your nervous system was trained to view conflict as an existential threat rather than a normal part of human connection.Think about it. As children, we're completely dependent on our caregivers for survival. When conflict erupted, if nobody helped you return to safety afterward, your developing brain coded a powerful message: Conflict = Danger = Possible Abandonment = Death.I’m not talking theory here. It's neurobiology—specifically polyvagal theory, which explains how our nervous systems respond to perceived threats.The "Other" Childhood Trauma Nobody Talks AboutThere's something else I've noticed in my work with high-achievers: sometimes the problem isn't obvious conflict or abuse.Some were never allowed to experience conflict at all.They were coddled, protected, put on a pedestal. Their parents rushed to fix every problem, shield them from every difficulty, smooth over every rough edge.This type of childhood leaves just as deep a mark on the nervous system. I call it "the golden cage."Because when you're infantilized like this, you never develop the emotional muscles needed to: Handle disappointment (called “frustration tolerance”)Navigate disagreement (called “capacity for difference”)Self-regulate during stressTrust your own capacity to weather emotional storms.These all the hallmarks of being a mature and secure human being. So you could still be a surgeon– but you enter adulthood expecting your partner to regulate your emotions for you, because you never had the chance to learn how.Again—not your fault. But definitely your responsibility to address now.The Missing Piece: Co-Regulation Before Self-RegulationOne of the most healing moments in my own journey was realizing something so simple yet profound: Children don't learn to self-regulate first. They are supposed to learn to co-regulate with a trusted adult.This is why I told my client yesterday something that stopped her in her tracks:"The reason you can't self-soothe during conflict isn't because you're broken or weak. It's because you never had the foundational experience of being soothed by someone else during conflict."She just stared at me. Twenty years of therapy talking about her pain, and no one had ever said this to her.The truth is, your nervous system is designed to learn regulation through relationship. Not books. Not meditation apps. Not self-help courses.Not even through chatGPT.Through actual, messy, in-the-moment repair with another human being.Becoming Trigger-Proof: The Path Forward I have a four-year-old son. Sometimes I raise my voice when I'm frustrated (I'm human). When this happens, he immediately goes into fight-or-flight—his little nervous system detecting potential danger.The critical moment isn't the rupture. It's what happens next.I get down at his level. I make eye contact. I regulate my own breathing first. Then I help him regulate his. We repair.Through this cycle—rupture...
    Más Menos
    3 m
  • Are You Making This Error Unintentionally?

    Are You Making This Error Unintentionally?
    May 21 2025
    I was working with a client yesterday who kept saying she just wanted to "be happy." Another intention from someone who attended my last Overview Experience event:“I want to choose myself without feeling guilty”. Sounds reasonable enough to the untrained eye.That's when it hit me (again) how often we set intentions that seem healthy but are actually... well, impossible.You know the ones:"I'm going to be the confident version of myself.""I want to be fearless in my approach.""My goal is to be happy and healthy."Look, these sound great. I've set them myself. But I've gotta be honest – these intentions are pretty much sh*t.Why Your Good Intentions Are Secretly Sabotaging YouWhen you set an intention to "be happy," or to “choose yourself without guilt”you're unconsciously creating this fantasy where sadness and guilt can’t exist. Take a guess what happens to you when they do.You freeze and run away. (which is exactly what happened to the woman who finally chose herself–then ended having to confront feelings of guilt about it). This is why positive thinking fails you.Same deal with confidence – you're imagining some magical version of yourself that never feels doubt.I did this for years, by the way. Kept thinking I just needed to try harder.Why the therapy and personal development work wasn’t “working”. And here's what I've realized after working with hundreds of people (and cleaning up my own mess): At every level you grow, in every relationship you're in, in literally every situation you face, you'll always have something to fear and something to feel sad or guilty about.This is the reality of our ever-present shadow parts.It’s not about eliminating this resistance.It’s about expanding our capacity to feel them.That sounds kind of depressing when I put it like that. But weirdly, it's actually the most freeing truth I've ever embraced.What's Actually Happening I see this exact pattern all the time:You set an intention for “happiness/success” → inevitably feel sad/failure about something → think you're failing at your intention → push harder for “happiness/success” → feel even worse when sadness shows up again.What an exhausting, brutal cycle.What's actually happening is that the more desperately you chase a one-sided magnet, the less capacity you have for when your shadows show up. And it’s ever present– especially when you choose to uplevel your life/business/relationship. So you end up getting bulldozed by the very emotions you were trying to avoid.You end up lacking emotional resilience.Self compassion gets thrown out the window.I remember thinking I was somehow broken because I couldn't maintain this state of "arrived happiness" that everyone else seemed to have figured out. Turns out, nobody actually has that. Not even the Instagram happiness gurus. Maybe especially not them.The One Shift That Actually WorksI’m inviting you to practice an alternative.I stumbled on this by accident, honestly.Instead of setting intentions of “happiness/peace/health…”I started practicing: "Whether I'm happy or sad, whether I'm scared or brave, whether my health is good or bad, my intention is to become compassionate with myself (and do the damn thing anyway.)"It's not just rewording things. It completely changes the game. Instead of trying to eliminate half your emotional experience(which doesn't work anyway), you're building capacity for your full humanity.Try it tomorrow. The next time you feel that knee-jerk urge to "just be positive" or "just be confident," catch yourself. What would happen if you welcomed whatever experience that was actually there?There's way more to this, obviously. I couldn't possibly fit it all here, and a social media post isn’t the same as the somatic practice of it. But this one shift might be enough to start breaking the pattern–a pervasive pattern of shadow-avoidance that is part of a toxicpersonal development culture that keeps you stuck.A culture that promises transformation but delivers shame instead. The one that keeps showing you images of "arrived" happiness while your real, messy, beautiful humanity gets pushed further into the shadows.I've watched people's entire lives transform when they finally stop chasing the fantasy and start embracing their full spectrum of emotions. Relationships heal. Creative blocks dissolve. The exhausting performance of "having it all together" falls away, replaced by something much more powerful: Authentic presence and Magnetism.This isn't just theory for me. It saved my life, my relationships, and ultimately led to the deepest fulfillment I've ever known. Not because I finally "arrived" at permanent happiness—but because I stopped believing I needed to.There's a freedom waiting on the other side of this shift that most people never experience because they're too busy chasing the fantasy.Until then, be gentle with yourself. All of yourself.Your ...
    Más Menos
    2 m
  • The Shocking Truth About Toxic Relationships And Your Mental Health

    The Shocking Truth About Toxic Relationships And Your Mental Health
    May 4 2025
    "It's just stress," he told himself as the doctor delivered the diagnosis.Anal fistula. Surgery required. Six weeks of recovery.A fistula is a painful opening in his rectum.Something has been bugging his a**.What he didn't mention to the doctor was that the symptoms appeared exactly during the peak of the worst fights he'd been having with his wife—when he'd swallowed his true feelings, pretending "It's fine" while a storm raged inside.Another client called me from the hospital. Emergency appendectomy."The strangest part," she whispered, "is that I felt relieved when they told me I needed surgery. Like finally there was proof something was wrong."What she didn't say: the pain had been building as she’s coming to terms with the fact that she’s been abandoning herself in the relationship,but chose to say nothing because she was terrified of "making things worse."In both cases, their bodies were screaming what their hearts refused to speak.Emotional safety was missing.“Your body keeps the score”- B. Van Der KolkWe've been conditioned to believe that physical illness is random, that relationship conflict is separate from our health, and that "being strong" means swallowing resentment and carrying on.But what 25 years of working with patients and clients in clinical practice and beyond has taught me:The body is actually engaged in an intelligent rebellion against the lies you tell yourself.I can say this to you with a calm confidence:That chronic condition, surprise diagnosis, or mysterious pain is actually a messenger.I spent years as a chiropractor watching this pattern unfold:A patient arrives with back pain that started "for no reason"Further conversation reveals a devastating loss six months earlierThey insist they've "dealt with it" and "moved on"Yet their spine, muscles, and nervous system tell a different storyIt was only when I began to understand the science of polyvagal theory—the neurobiology of safety and connection—that I realized what was happening.The Dangerous Cost of Peace-Keeping (Fawning).Many of us were raised to be "good"—to keep the peace, not rock the boat, prioritize harmony over authenticity.This conditioning creates an identity centered around fawning—automatically accommodating others' needs while abandoning our own.We become experts at bypassing our true feelings:Swallowing anger to keep relationships "stable"Suppressing hurt to avoid being "difficult"Denying resentment to maintain the image of being "supportive"This seems to work—for a while.But your nervous system doesn't forget. It keeps a meticulous record of every betrayal, every boundary crossed, every truth denied.And when the gap between your spoken words ("It's fine") and your body's truth ("I'm dying inside") grows too wide, something has to give.Usually, it's your health.The Wisdom of DiseaseIf you can relate to what I’m sharing, my invitation is for you to consider these questions honestly:Did your chronic condition appearduring or shortly after significant relationship conflict?Do you find yourself saying "everything's fine"while feeling tightness in your chest, throat, or stomach?Have you been diagnosed with an illnessthat affects the exact part of your bodywhere you feel the emotion?(Throat issues when you can't speak your truth,digestive issues when you can't "stomach" a situation,heart problems when you're heartbroken)Do you pride yourself on being"the reasonable one" or "the peacekeeper"in your relationships?Has your doctor used the phrase"we can't find a clear cause" orsuggested stress might be a factor?If you answered yes to any of these, your body might be speaking what your heart won't say.The Science Behind The SymptomThe algorithm likely brought you to this message because you’re wanting relationships that feel nourishing, juicy, and connected. But most of us were never taught how our nervous systems actually create that connection.When I discovered polyvagal theory, I actually wept. (I’m not even kidding). Finally, here was the link between science and spirituality, the neurobiological explanation for why relationship conflict creates physical illness.In simplified terms:When we repeatedly suppress our authentic responses to protect a relationship, we force our nervous system into a state of shutdown. This shutdown—designed as a temporary survival strategy—becomes chronic.And chronic shutdown creates the perfect conditions for physical disease.Your digestive system slows, your immune function decreases, inflammation rises, and tissues that should be receiving full blood flow and nervous system communication become compromised.This isn't "psychosomatic" in the dismissive sense. It's your body's intelligence at work.Your fistula, appendicitis, chronic back pain, or mysterious fatigue isn't random. It's precisely targeted communication from a body desperate to be heard.The Path Through (Not Around)The healing path isn't about ...
    Más Menos
    3 m