Welcome back to Season 2, Episode 9 — we took a short break because… honestly, life is a bit of a shit show. Like, Congress-level messy. If vibes were legislation, we’d be filibustering our feelings.

(Legal note: this is a metaphor. Please do not subpoena us. We cannot afford a lawyer and also we are just girls.)

This episode is a full-body experience — from the boob massages of rural Italy to the hammams of Morocco (and existential shame). Simone returns from her steamy saga feeling cleansed, confused, and mortified (in that exact order), while Hilary shares the emotional arc of walking back to a ski chalet in socks, because snow boots are for people who still believe in consequences.

We unpack the ethics (and public health nightmare) of stick-and-pokes from the streets of Tanzania (potentially problematic? Definitely. But the vibes are ✨immaculate✨), and how Simone’s TikTok accidentally evolved from “just vibes” to full-blown feral girl thirst traps — complete with DMs that range from marriage proposals to “hey, I saw you in my dreams last night, where are you right now?” (Sir. Be so serious.)

Filler that migrates like your ex’s morals

Hailey Bieber’s yacht party and our ongoing yacht-based delusions (jealousy or... ?)

Longboards, ski helmets, and the downfall of millennial fearlessness

Monica Lewinsky x Call Her Daddy — the crossover we didn’t know we needed but we ABSOLUTELY loved (go off, girliepop!)

Penguin tariffs — because apparently even flightless birds can’t escape late-stage capitalism. (We don’t know either.) And Barron Trump’s sad tech guy origin story.

(Free the penguins. They’ve already got a tux, let them go to the gala.)

Plus: porn, patriarchy, and whether some dudes are born with fists or just wired that way (gross)

And of course — the ongoing investigation into the forbidden topic of our time: how does a woman ask for a happy ending at a massage parlour? Is there a secret password? A wink? A punch card system? (Asking for a friend.)

We Tajín this seriously. (Sponsor us, Tajín.)

SEO But Make It Cute: Moroccan hammam etiquette, stick and poke safety Tanzania, how to ask for a happy ending as a woman, botox gone wrong, yacht party Hailey Bieber, filler migration, ski fail stories, Monica Lewinsky interview, thirst trap TikToks, Twin Flames cult restaurant, penguins and climate change, Barron Trump tech rumors, longboarding cringe 2025

✨For everyone who’s ever said “you have to laugh or you’ll cry” — welcome, we do both.

P.S. Justice for penguins. They’re out here getting tariffed in formalwear while filler is migrating and men are still asking if “happy endings” are real for women. One of these things deserves freedom. (Hint: it’s the penguins. And also us.)

This week, Hilary and Simone are not feeling chill, because the world is basically a dumpster fire with WiFi. Things did get a bit more serious than normal, but when reality feels like a bad satire, what else can you do? So, naturally, we decided to unpack some of history’s greatest hits and today’s worst takes—while sipping on some liquor from Tanzania, because why not? Cheers.

We start with life before penicillin—when a simple paper cut could turn into your villain origin story. Then, we check in on Elon Musk, who is once again proving that having billions of dollars doesn’t make you a genius. Buying Twitter instead of solving world hunger? Groundbreaking. We also discuss Liberation Day and how Trump’s “liberation board” is giving strong Denny’s breakfast menu energy—except instead of pancakes, it’s serving up chaos.

Lobotomies make an appearance, because honestly… should we get one? Would it help? We weigh the pros, the cons, and whether a few jabs to the prefrontal cortex might be a relief at this point. And, of course, we take a moment to express our deepest gratitude to the men of history who so graciously allowed women to vote and have passports. Wow. So kind. So selfless.

If you love sharp takes, unhinged history, and coping with the downfall of civilization through millennial humor (and a stiff drink), this episode is for you. If you love sharp takes, unhinged history, and coping with the downfall of civilization through millennial humor (and a stiff drink), this episode is for you. Super Definitely Not Problematic—the podcast that pairs existential dread with bottomless sarcasm, because if the world’s gonna burn, we might as well roast some marshmallows. Listen now before Elon ruins Spotify too.

This week, Hilary and Simone ask the big questions: Should we start selling feet pics? Is there a tasteful way to monetize your toes without telling your parents? Can you write off a pedicure as a business expense if your arches are your brand? Would you join a cult if the starter pack came with matching water bottles and passive income? These are the entrepreneurial and existential dilemmas of our generation.

Then, as always, we spiral. Cue the international candy chaos: Mexican spaghetti candy that tastes like regret and childhood confusion, and a passionate campaign for the return of sauces with snacks. Dunkaroos walked so modern candy could run—but instead, it just... stood there. Flavorless. Dry. Alone.

Things get even spicier when we play “Most Likely To,” where we learn: – Simone would 100% critique herself in her own sex tape, probably in a notes app labeled “constructive feedback.”

We also learn that unfortunately Hilary claps when the plane lands. Yes, she is that person, and yes, she’s ashamed.

Finally we unpack our deeply shared fear of phone sex (seriously, no), and confront the burning question: does Simone have a sex tape à la Kim Kardashian? No comment, but the cloud is a dangerous place.

Listen before Simone's Icloud gets leaked.

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