In this episode, Sarah, an adoptee and trauma therapist, shares her unique perspective on how the holidays can bring up a mix of emotions for adoptees. Brenda and Sarah discuss practical tips and insights on creating a supportive holiday experience for adoptees.

Guided Learning:

Want to dive deeper? We've created a set of reflection questions based on this episode to help you process the information and apply it to your own life.

➡️ Visit this link for the Guided Learning questions:

How to Use the Guided Learning Questions:

1. Find a quiet space where you can reflect without distractions.
2. Read through each quote and question carefully.
3. Journal your thoughts and responses. Be honest and open with yourself.
4. Consider discussing your reflections with a trusted friend, partner, or therapist.

#adoptee #adopteevoices #adoptioncompetency #traumainformedcare #adoptiveparent #adoptivemom #podcast #constellationconversations

Description:
In this episode of Constellation Conversations, Sarah and Brenda explore the complex dynamics of open adoptions, focusing on the challenges of reunion and the critical importance of biological family connections. Brenda shares her personal experiences navigating open adoption and reaching out to biological family, while Sarah provides insights into the emotional and developmental impacts of these connections from both an adoptee and professional perspective.

Together, they discuss how fear—whether for the adoptee or themselves—can influence decisions, and they emphasize the importance of centering adoptee needs while supporting all members of the adoption constellation. Whether you're an adoptive parent, adoptee, or part of the broader constellation, this conversation offers valuable insights and actionable steps for fostering healthy and meaningful relationships.

Guided Learning:
For those learning and processing the adoptee experience, click here to access this Episode's Guided Learning and reflection questions to deeper your understanding of the adoptee experience and to assist you in providing adoption competent support and care.

Description: In this episode, we explore the unique and often misunderstood trauma of adoption and its impact on identity. Sarah Harper, an adoptee and trauma therapist, shares her personal and professional insights on how adoption can shape one’s sense of self through narratives crafted by others. We discuss the existential loss adoptees experience, the challenges of reclaiming identity, and why listening to adoptee voices is essential for understanding the complexities of adoption.


Show Notes

Guided Learning: For those learning and processing the adoptee experience, please open this link for guided journal questions to enhance your understanding and assist you in a deeper understanding of the topics covered today.

Origin of FOG

The concept of FOG was first introduced by psychotherapist Susan Forward and Donna Frazier in their 1997 book, Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You. The authors describe how individuals use these emotions to exert control and create confusion in relationships.

While originally developed to address emotional manipulation, the FOG framework has been adapted to explore the unique experiences of adoptees, especially as they navigate complex emotions and societal expectations surrounding adoption.

FOG in the Context of Adoption

For adoptees, FOG often manifests in the intricate emotional dynamics and societal narratives surrounding adoption. Here’s how FOG can relate to adoptees:

1. Fear
   • Fear of being perceived as ungrateful for their adoption.
   • Fear of abandonment or rejection, often rooted in early maternal separation trauma.
   • Fear of speaking out about adoption-related pain due to societal glorification of adoption as a “beautiful gift.”
2. Obligation
   • A sense of duty to meet the expectations of adoptive parents or to align with societal narratives.
   • Pressure to protect the feelings of adoptive parents by not expressing curiosity or grief about birth parents.
   • Obligation to conform to the “happy adoptee” trope to avoid discomfort in others.
3. Guilt
   • Guilt for wanting to know or search for birth family members.
   • Guilt for struggling with feelings of loss or dissatisfaction, despite being told they were “chosen.”
   • Guilt for questioning the ethics of their adoption or the adoption system as a whole.

How FOG Impacts Adoptees

Adoptees living in the FOG may feel silenced, conflicted, or misunderstood. They may struggle to reconcile their authentic feelings with the expectations placed upon them by society, family, or even themselves. The FOG can prevent adoptees from processing their adoption journey fully and honestly.

Further Reading and References

1. Adoptee-Specific Adaptations:
   • "The Adoptee FOG: Fear, Obligation, Guilt and the Journey to Clarity" (Commonly discussed in adoptee advocacy communities).
   • Adoptee Rights Campaign – For insights on societal expectations and adoptee rights.
2. Online Resources:
   • Out of the FOG – A general discussion of FOG, with adaptable insights for adoptees.
   • Adoptee Voices on Social Media (e.g., Adoptee Advocacy TikTok and Instagram communities).

In this debut episode, we introduce ourselves—Sarah Harper, a trauma therapist and adoptee, and Brenda Chapel, an adoptive parent in an open adoption—and share the inspiration behind launching Harper-Chapel: The Constellation of Adoption.

We explore how our personal experiences within the adoption constellation have shaped our perspectives and strengthened our mission to create a more compassionate and equitable world for adoptees. From centering adoptee voices to fostering trauma-informed care, we discuss why these conversations are essential and how they’ve influenced our own journeys. Join us as we lay the foundation for what’s to come and invite you to be part of the constellation.