Notes on a Silencing
A Memoir
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Narrated by:
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Lacy Crawford
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By:
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Lacy Crawford
About this listen
A "powerful and scary and important and true" memoir of a young woman's struggle to regain her sense of self after trauma, and the efforts by a powerful New England boarding school to silence her—at any cost (Sally Mann, author of Hold Still).
Shortlisted for the 2022 William Saroyan International Prize for Writing
When Notes on a Silencing hit bookstores in the summer of 2020, even amidst a global pandemic, it sent shockwaves through the country. Not only did this intimate investigative memoir usher in a media storm of coverage, but it also prompted the elite St. Paul's School to issue a formal apology to the author, Lacy Crawford, for its handling of her report of sexual assault by two fellow students nearly thirty years ago.
In this searing book, Crawford tells the story of coming forward during the state investigation of the elite New England prep school decades after her assault, only to find for the first time evidence that corroborated her memories. Here were depictions of the naïve, hardworking girl she’d been, as well as astonishing proof of an institutional silencing. The slander, innuendo, and lack of adult concern that Crawford had experienced as a student hadn't been imagined; they were the actions of a school that prized its reputation above anything, even a child.
This revelation launched Crawford on an extraordinary inquiry deep into gender, privilege, and power, and the ways shame and guilt are used to silence victims. Insightful, arresting, and beautifully written, Notes on a Silencing wrestles with an essential question for our time: what telling of a survivor's story will finally force a remedy?
“Erudite and devastating… Crawford's writing is astonishing… Notes on a Silencing is a purposefully named, brutal and brilliant retort to the asinine question of 'Why now?'… The story is crafted with the precision of a thriller, with revelations that sent me reeling…”—Jessica Knoll, New York Times
A Best Book of the Year: Time, NPR, People, Real Simple, Marie Claire, The Lineup, LitHub, Library Journal, BookPage, and Shelf Awareness
A New York Times Book Review Notable Book
A New York Times Book Review Editors’ Choice
One of People Magazine’s 10 Best Books of the Year
Semifinalist for a Goodreads Choice Award
©2020 Lacy Crawford (P)2020 Hachette AudioListeners also enjoyed...
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Critic reviews
“Erudite and devastating… Notes on a Silencing is a purposefully named, brutal and brilliant retort to the asinine question of 'Why now?'… The story is crafted with the precision of a thriller, with revelations that sent me reeling… Crawford’s writing is astonishing.”—Jessica Knoll, New York Times
“A riveting, damning exploration of how a single moment can reshape an entire life… [and] a haunting exploration of the systematic ways assault victims are ignored… Crawford’s revelations about the insidious and systematic ways stories of assault are buried left me shaken, moved, angry. By the end, we all understand how rarely women are granted any kind of justice… Crawford does what the best memoirists do: She reaches beyond a single story… in its relentless exploration of power and hubris, Notes on a Silencing is a story that reminds us (because we apparently need reminding again and again) that women are still impotent against institutions and the men who run them… One cannot help but conjure the poised, careful testimony of Christine Blasey Ford and the sputtering, self-righteous rage of Brett M. Kavanaugh… a stunning, audacious attempt to reassert power over her own story.”—Rachel Louise Snyder, Washington Post
“The rigor and elegance of Crawford’s sentences, even while writing about such painful things, lifts this memoir into literary heights… Crawford lays bare the impact of violence on identity. She navigates her trauma surgically by trying to establish the parameters of its lexicon… with the help of therapy, detectives, records she thought lost to time, and a new case brought to the fore, Crawford is forcing the unchecked power of an elite institution to answer for their violations and the victims they shoved into silent hallways of despair.”—Kerri Arsenault, Boston Globe
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- Length: 6 hrs and 33 mins
- Unabridged
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Striking in their emotional immediacy, the stories in Before You Suffocate Your Own Fool Self are based in a world where inequality is reality but where the insecurities of adolescence and young adulthood, and the tensions within family and the community, are sometimes the biggest complicating forces in one's sense of identity and the choices one makes.
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things we do to oursekves
- By Jamintel on 02-06-23
By: Danielle Evans
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Scars and Stilettos - 2nd Edition
- By: Harmony Dust
- Narrated by: Harmony Dust
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- Unabridged
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Scars and Stilettos: At 13, after being abandoned by her mother one summer and left to take care of her younger brother, Harmony becomes susceptible to a relationship that turns out to be toxic, abusive, and ultimately exploitative. She eventually finds herself working in a strip club at the age of 19, and her boyfriend becomes her pimp, controlling her every move and taking all of her money. Ultimately, she discovers a path to freedom and a whole new life.
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A religious book
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By: Harmony Dust
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Picture Us in the Light
- By: Kelly Loy Gilbert
- Narrated by: James Chen
- Length: 11 hrs and 38 mins
- Unabridged
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When Danny discovers a taped-up box in his father's closet filled with old letters and a file on a powerful Silicon Valley family, he realizes there's much more to his family's past than he ever imagined. Danny has been an artist for as long as he can remember, and it seems his path is set, with a scholarship to RISD and his family's blessing to pursue the career he's always dreamed of. Still, contemplating a future without his best friend, Harry Wong, by his side makes Danny feel a panic he can barely put into words.
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A poignant, touching novel for the Asian American millennial
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Ordinary Light
- A Memoir
- By: Tracy K. Smith
- Narrated by: Tracy K. Smith
- Length: 11 hrs and 6 mins
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Story
Tracy K. Smith has a fairly typical upbringing in suburban California: the youngest in a family of five children raised with limitless affection and a firm belief in God by a stay-at-home mother and an engineer father. But after spending a summer in Alabama at her grandmother's home, she returns to California with a new sense of what it means for her to be Black: from her mother's memories of picking cotton as a girl in her father's field for pennies a bushel to her parents' involvement in the Civil Rights Movement.
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Simply spoken - poetic
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By: Tracy K. Smith
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The Stuff that Never Happened
- A Novel
- By: Maddie Dawson
- Narrated by: Teri Clark Linden
- Length: 11 hrs and 20 mins
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Performance
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Story
Annabelle McKay knows she shouldn’t have any complaints. She’s been in a stable marriage that’s lasted almost three decades and has provided her with two wonderful children and thousands of family dinners around a sturdy oak table. Other wives envy the fact that Grant is not the type of man who would ever cheat on her or leave her for a younger woman. The trouble is Annabelle isn’t sure she wants to be married to Grant anymore. The trouble is she’s still in love with someone else.
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Don’t pass this one up.
- By Lauren on 03-10-20
By: Maddie Dawson
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Bad Habits
- By: Amy Gentry
- Narrated by: Rebecca Lowman
- Length: 10 hrs and 16 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall
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Claire "Mac" Woods—a professor enjoying her newfound hotshot status at an academic conference—finally has the acceptance and admiration she has long craved. But at the conference's hotel bar, Mac is surprised to run into a face from a past she'd rather forget: the moneyed, effortlessly perfect Gwendolyn Whitney, Mac's foil, rival, and former best friend.
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Outstanding!
- By SLuzaz on 02-15-21
By: Amy Gentry
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The Dark Side of Innocence
- Growing Up Bipolar
- By: Terri Cheney
- Narrated by: Coleen Marlo
- Length: 7 hrs and 10 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall
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Story
The New York Times best-selling author blends a pitch-perfect childlike voice with keen adult observation as she shares her heartrending, groundbreaking insider's look into the fascinating and frightening world of childhood bipolar disorder.
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Eye opening
- By Anonymous User on 03-13-23
By: Terri Cheney
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Members Only
- By: Sameer Pandya
- Narrated by: Sunil Malhotra
- Length: 10 hrs and 24 mins
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Raj Bhatt is often unsure of where he belongs. Having moved to America from Bombay as a child, he knew few Indian kids. Now middle-aged, he lives mostly happily in California with a job at a university. Still, his white wife seems to fit in better than he does at times, especially at their tennis club, a place he's cautiously come to love. But it's there that, in one week, his life unravels. It begins at a meeting for potential new members: Raj thrills to find an African American couple on the list; he dreams of a more diverse club. But in an effort to connect, he makes a racist joke.
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Stick with it... so worth it!
- By Andrea R Martinez on 09-02-20
By: Sameer Pandya
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Lone Stars
- By: Justin Deabler
- Narrated by: Michael Crouch
- Length: 10 hrs and 19 mins
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Lone Stars follows the arc of four generations of a Texan family in a changing America. Julian Warner, a father at last, wrestles with a question his husband posed: what will you tell our son about the people you came from, now that they're gone? Finding the answers takes Julian back in time to Eisenhower's immigration border raids, an epistolary love affair during the Vietnam War, crumbling marriages, queer migrations to Cambridge and New York, up to the disorienting polarization of Obama's second term.
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Read for bookclub but fell in Love
- By Ericka Lawson on 09-11-22
By: Justin Deabler
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One Last Child
- Tallman's Valley Detectives, Book 1
- By: Anni Taylor
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It was summer in the mountains when five small children vanished from their nursery school picnic. The heat was stifling that day, the tinkle of an ice-cream van in the air.... Three-and-a-half years later, in the dead of winter, the children are returned to their families...one by one. All except for Ivy - the granddaughter of Homicide Detective Kate Wakeland. The other four children say Ivy is dead.
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Amazing book and amazing narration!
- By Jeffrey Yauch on 08-12-20
By: Anni Taylor
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Sweet Gone South
- Love Gone South, Book 1
- By: Alicia Hunter Pace
- Narrated by: Amy Rubinate
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Overall
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Story
Chocolatier Lanie Heaven has good friends, a booming business, and the adoration of the citizens of Merritt, Alabama. But she also has a secret. After the devastating breakup with her longtime college boyfriend, she lost a baby and the hope of ever having a child - the thing she desires above all else.
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Sweet but Disappointing
- By Rusty on 10-29-17
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The Killer's Cousin
- By: Nancy Werlin
- Narrated by: Nick Podehl
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Performance
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Story
After 17-year-old David is forced to stand trial for his girlfriend's death, he is sent to live with his aunt and uncle and their young daughter, Lily, to avoid the media frenzy. But all is not well at his relatives' house. His aunt and uncle are not speaking to each other, and Lily seems dead set on making David's life a torment. And then there's the issue of their older daughter, Kathy, who died under mysterious circumstances a number of years back.
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Good story, great narrator!
- By Amazon Customer on 03-17-15
By: Nancy Werlin
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A Face for Picasso
- By: Ariel Henley
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- Length: 8 hrs and 8 mins
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Overall
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At only eight months old, identical twin sisters Ariel and Zan Henley were diagnosed with Crouzon syndrome — a rare condition where the bones in the head fuse prematurely. They were the first twins known to survive it. Growing up, Ariel and her sister endured numerous medical procedures to keep them alive. Doctors expanded the twins’ skulls and broke bones to make room for their growing organs. After each surgery, the sisters felt like strangers to each other, unable to recognize themselves in the mirror.
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Fantastic
- By Anna McCall on 03-25-24
By: Ariel Henley
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Inherit the Bones
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Overall
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Secrets and lies can’t stay buried forever in Cedar Valley. In the summer, hikers and campers pack the small Colorado town’s meadows and fields. And in the winter, skiers and snowboarders take over the mountains. Season by season, year after year, time passes, and the lies, like the aspens and evergreens that surround the town, take root and spread deep. Now, someone has uncovered the lies, and it is his murder that continues a chain of events that began almost 40 years ago.
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intriguing
- By Anonymous User on 06-26-19
By: Emily Littlejohn
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When a young nanny is found dead in mysterious circumstances, new mom, Tash, is intrigued. She has been searching for a story to launch her career as a freelance journalist. But she has also been searching for something else—new friends to help her navigate motherhood. She sees them at her son’s new playgroup. The other mothers. A group of sleek, sophisticated women who live in a neighborhood of tree-lined avenues and stunning houses. The sort of mothers Tash herself would like to be. When the mothers welcome her into their circle, Tash discovers the kind of life she has always dreamt of.
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What listeners say about Notes on a Silencing
Average customer ratingsReviews - Please select the tabs below to change the source of reviews.
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- Tamara
- 07-30-21
Well told and well read
Lacy Crawford’s devastating story, though not surprising, is no less horrifying for its cold and knowing predictability. The reader roots for Crawford to upend the established order at her New England boarding school, and to make someone—anyone—pay. Somehow, even in all its awfulness, Crawford manages to inject a certain dark humor in the telling. In the end I was left feeling that I would love to hang out with this strong and brave, self aware, remarkable woman! Well worth reading and hearing.
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- MaryPat
- 01-30-21
Lacy Crawford you are amazing!!
This book is absolutely captivating, everything about it is excellent. It's a story that grabs you from the first sentence and doesn't let go. Perhaps that's because we hear truth and pain and sincere emotion. Perhaps because Lacy Crawford has laid her heart out open and raw for all of us to see. I hope with all that I am that she has brought St Paul's and all abusive clergy right to their knees, both in shame and in asking for forgiveness. More than anything I hope they learn from it and never allow this to happen or go un addressed again.
Lacy Crawford, you are amazing. I believe you, I see your pain and I honor you. Telling this story is going to resonate for a long long time and I hope you come to really know how much good you are doing for abused, both boys and girls, by the telling.
And... write us another book! And narrate it yourself. You are one talented broad!! lol.
PS: I'd love to hear the story of your mother and what brought her to her faith and life choices.
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- MH
- 10-16-21
Thank You For Your Courage
Wow, this is a great book and the author is a great narrator. Unthinkable to think Lacy had to go through all of this but so glad that she was able to work through it to appoint to be able to write this book which I’m sure will help so many others and hopefully bring her some validation for what she went through. I’m glad the school was finally exposed.
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- garlic heart
- 04-24-22
Sad, but captivating and very important memoir.
This was incredibly well narrated and beautifully told, with great sensitivity regarding the difficult topic.
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- lada'at chochmah umusar
- 01-17-22
Absolute Must!!
Lacy! You are brilliant! Your editing and arrangement, your vocabulary...supreme in every way! Thank you for heroically surviving the ugliness that continually surrounded you and triumphing. It is so important to realize, first, how widespread this type of corruption is, second, to be shocked, to never get used to it! Third, to believe and be mad and investigate ASAP. Lacy, you have enriched us with your life, your excellent craft of skilled writing. I could read your wordsmithing for decades. You are a writer first class. Thank you again. I can share this with many. Bless you indeed for the wisdom.
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- Rebecca
- 06-08-22
Devastating infuriating story, brilliant writer
This was perfectly told. What a brave, selfless act by a victim who chose to tell her brutal abuse (physical and mental) by young men, sick fellow. entitled students, a monstrous, unscrupulous school beaurocracy, and a twisted corrupt legal world. She told her story rather than sue the bastards who fought and won in covering it all up. She shows how to turn victimhood, oppression, and horrific shaming into hereoism and brutal strenght! Brava and thank you, Ms. Crawford. God bless you, your wonderful husband and kids.
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- TLH ~ 🎧 ~
- 01-05-23
Thank you Lacy Crawford
Thank you for your vulnerability and honesty in this heartbreaking and courageous account of your brutal rape. Gone are the days that we will silence sexual assault survivors if only least because saying out loud the words that might include ‘without asking my permission, they thrust their cocks so hard down my esophagus, causing me to believe I would die of asphyxiation, that for years after I would not be able to speak, eat, drink or sing without excruciating discomfort. And not know why while everyone else did. And I would blame myself.’ Not saying these words because it would not be polite, because these words rape and cock and thrust and asphyxiation are not appropriate for ‘dinner conversation’. As a survivor of child sexual abuse by my parent in the 1970’s, I am so thankful that because of the patience and bravery and beautiful words of you and so many others, that I have agency to tell my story. I can secure safe havens and boundaries that I never would otherwise be able to have had without the institutional change that has come from breaking the silence of sexual abuse by survivors that are gifted in the written word like you. I am so grateful and I will read this book over and again for the reassurance and encouragement that you have given. And by the way the best narration I have ever heard, hands down! Whoever says that authors should not ever read their own work have not read this. Beautiful voice, stunning in its timing, tone and clarity, it is dreamlike song to my ears. I wish you all the luck in the future.
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- Priscilla
- 06-23-23
Sad story, well told
I relate to this story and its author’s silencing. I’m glad Lacy had an opportunity to share what happened to her and expose all the people who had an opportunity to be compassionate along the way but who, instead, blamed her for making them uncomfortable. Particularly, it’s sad to know her parents never quite got there with her. I wonder what they thought after reading this book!
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- Sue N.
- 03-30-24
The outspoken starkness of a personal injustice
This is one of those unforgettable books not only because of the narrative but because of the narrator.
Lacy Crawford is one of the few authors who relates her story with an emotional and yet factual perspective which draws the listener into the intimate drama of the events.
This is a "must listen" for anyone who has ever been assaulted/stigmatized/discriminated against as it delves into the mind of the victim without a feeling of pity rather of courage.
It is - in my opinion - recommended listening for all those who feel it "could never happen to them".
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- Andrew Koppel
- 08-09-20
There Are No Words
The story itself is extraordinarily powerful. But what makes this book truly special is its eloquent writing and even more eloquent narration. Ms. Crawford’s voice is the equal of her style; her candor is beyond impressive. This is a truly important and powerful memoir.
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12 people found this helpful