The Session: Dating Etiquette in a Digital Age

Article by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin, Focus on the Family, Oct. 2023

Philippians 2:3-4

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”

Virtual Pitfalls

Texting can be a very helpful tool as you get to know someone. But there are some areas to avoid:

Bread-crumbing-

This involves sending out flirtatious messages with no real intention of committing. *Scott question: Would this more true of guys?

· Flirting

· No intention for commitment

· Done in the virtual world, breadcrumbing includes texting and social media

· If someone you’re talking to virtually appears to be hot or cold, it may be important to set a boundary **What would boundaries look like?

· It is also possible to say that you are confused with where the relationship is going. **So face-to-face would be in order for clarity?

Ghosting

· 25% of men and 22% of women report having been ghosted

· Ghosting occurs when you’re having conversation with someone virtually and all of a sudden it stops without explanation.

· Often times people find this to be the easy way out of stopping a relationship.

· Rather than talking through it, saying it doesn’t have a future an individual just stops altogether communicating

· Digital messaging enables the easy way out

· The “slow fade” is a version of ghosting. Instead of ending the relationship abruptly, the slow-fader gradually decreases contact until the relationship fizzles. *Scott question: Would this be used if someone realizes they have “gone too far” with this relationship?

Text Message Breakup.

· 57 percent of millennials admitted to breaking up with someone via text. Sixty-nine percent said they’d been broken up with in this manner. A text-message breakup is one of the most unhealthy ways to end a relationship. *Scott: I had at least one student in a class of 12 recently tell me they broke up someone via text.

(Millennial = individuals born between 1981 and 1996)

Healthy Use of Virtual Communication

· Send romantic and encouraging texts to your spouse

· Write a tribute to your spouse on social media

*Scott question: Only to the spouse? Not the fiancé or dating partner?

Additional Important Things to Know Before Marriage

Having willing hearts. Whether this is in regards to conversations with your spouse, intimacy, the sacrifice of your time, energy, or desires, be ready and willing to open your heart to your spouse. Willingness in conversation means being ready to listen, share, and apologize. Willingness in intimacy involves pursuing, embracing, and trying new things.

(Building A Lasting Marriage: The 3 Most Important Things Every Marriage Needs)

Gary Thomas on Focus on the Family

· Focus on your spouse’s strengths rather than their weaknesses.

· Encourage rather than criticize.

· Pray for your spouse instead of gossiping about them.

· Learn and live what Christ teaches about relating to and loving others.

To reach Tom Russell, go to https://www.heritagechristiancounselingofmansfield.com.

The Session / Love Month / Feb. 13 Release

Expectations and The Communication Highway

The communication highway primarily consists of the speaker and listener roles. Before the speaker makes an “I” statement. He or she can go before the Lord and ask Him for wisdom to make an “I” that is said lovingly and in a caring way. An “I” statement consists of a feeling followed by when it happens. An example would be, “I feel hurt when you make fun of my cooking.”

SCOTTS FIRST THOUGHT “….IF YOU STOPPED BURNING EVERYTHING, I WOULDN’T FEEL HURT BY EATING IT….AND I WOULD STOP MAKING FUN OF IT….” NOT QUITE WHAT YOU’RE LOOKING FOR, TOM? (Disclaimer time...Shari is a WONDERFUL cook, and the only time she burned anything other than microwave popcorn was when I was 3 hours late coming home and didn't call her.)

Vertical expectations help the listener role as well. Rather than react to the speaker in a potential defensive way the listener can Go before the Lord and ask for help make the communication highway safe. The listener role is primarily based on James 1:19 “We are to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to get angry. On the communication highway the listener listens to be able to reflect what they heard. Not a commentary or editorial on what they heard but almost word for word what they heard. They next validate for the speaker what they said. That letting them know that what they said was their feelings. The listener then empathizes with the speaker. This is trying to connect with the speakers feelings and try to communicate what that must be like.

Important Fundamentals From Love and Respect (From Dr. Emerson Eggeriche)

• A message to husbands, our wives are complex. 😀 On their planet, they are made differently. They have 4 primary needs:
• They want to feel important to us. When we make important what they think is important, they feel important to us. EXAMPLE It is important to keep the car in economy mode. When I do, she feels important
• When we value what they value, they feel valued by us. EXAMPLE: Kathy values a made bed before we get in it. She feels valued when I “attempt” to make it😄
• Our wives want to be cherished. Cherish is a feeling of awe. It is a feeling of, to be held dear.
• Loved The Greek meaning for loved here is agape, which is a selfless, unconditional love that facilitates unconditional love and sacrifice that is similar to what Jesus gave the church.

It was Jesus who took on the lawmakers/ pharmacies to protect the woman caught in adultery.

An important Application in marriage is when husbands choose to love their spouse when they are not perfect prioritizing their well-being and showing their commitment through actions.

Love and Respect and the Communication Highway

Love and respect can be a major help on the communication highway. For men, their management of the highway can be facilitated by managing based on their wive’s top 4 needs. As an example of listening to their wive’s on the highway, husbands can focus on the significance of hearing the importance of what their wives are saying. They can also help their wives feel valued by the way they respond to what is said.

To reach Tom Russell, go to https://www.heritagechristiancounselingofmansfield.com.

The Session / Love Month / Feb. 6 Release

Matthew 7:3-5

Why do you see the speck in your neighbor's eye, but do not notice the log in your own eye? Or how can you say to your neighbor, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye' while the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your neighbor's eye.

Examples of a log in my eye and a speck in yours: Vertical

• Emphasizing the importance of being on time and I am consistently late to record.
• My dad was highly critical of us about backing our cars up carefully. He never lived it down when he backed into my sisters BRICK mailbox and flattened it
• Having coffee with one of our sons and emphasizing the importance of being careful and I spill my coffee

Vertical, Horizontal Expectations and The Emotional Boundary

• Vertical expectations, otherwise known as internal expectations, are expectations where we ask God in heaven to help us grow in specific ways that will make us better spouses.
• Horizontal Expectations, otherwise known as external expectations, are when one spouse has expectations of their spouse to grow in ways that makes them feel better. Marital success happens when their spouse improves that area.
• The Emotional Boundary is how emotionally close a couple is. Expectations have a direct impact on the emotional boundary. When both spouses are working on their vertical expectations, it causes growth. The horizontal expectations cause distance because the spouse hearing the horizontal expectations is often hurt or focused on the log in their spouse’s eye which creates distance in the emotional boundary.

Examples:

Recently Kathy went to Europe with our daughter and I stayed home. For a number of days prior to her going there was an unspoken feeling of close and real bonding love between us.

The Power Of Vertical Expectations

Expectations and The Communication Highway

• A very successful process to grow your marriage using vertical expectations is very similar to Paul’s teaching in I Corinthians 11:28 where he is talking and praying about communion. He is encouraging the people to “retreat” and examine themselves before taking communion. It is the examining of ourselves followed by reading scripture and praying that will help you to grow.
• The impact of vertical expectations is that growth happens quicker and in general are more powerful. It is quicker because we can decide to immediately work on what God is saying to us that will help us. They in general are more powerful because we can focus on the change with intensity and ownership.

Examples:

I wanted to make sure I did my part for keeping the romance in our marriage. The 24-48 hour getaway. (Produced importance to Kathy)

The Quaker Square getaway Weekly date night.

The Nintendo WEI Bowling night WINNER TAKES ALL GAME

Devotions

We made a pre marriage decision to start each day with prayer.

To reach Tom Russell, go to https://www.heritagechristiancounselingofmansfield.com.