Dr. Rob and Tamara Cooper explore the isolating and painful blaming and shaming that betrayed partners often experience while their partners are surrounded by support. Betrayed partners often torture themselves by asking what they could have done differently to prevent their partner from acting out, and Tamara has an answer for that. Her passion for supporting betrayed partners is obvious and genuine, and she offers a glimpse into the hope and healing that can be yours if you allow it.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:20] A little bit about Tamara and her work with betrayal trauma.

[5:10] Normalizing betrayal is a central focus of Tamara’s work.

[8:34] ‘I should have’... Betrayed partners have to stop wondering what they could have done differently.

[12:05] Why can’t I stop blaming myself for my partner’s betrayal?

[14:20] The choices that your partner makes has nothing to do with you.

[16:51] Anger, control, and self-doubt are a dangerous combination in recovery.

[20:40] Unhealthy and extreme behaviors in the betrayed are an attempt to make sense of something that doesn’t make sense.

[23:31] Isolation is a painful and common side effect of betrayal.

[27:52] An overview of Tamara’s interactions with the betrayed partners that she supports.

RESOURCES:

Sex and Relationship Healing

@RobWeissMSW

Sex Addiction 101

Seeking Integrity

Dr. Geoff Goodman

Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment

Partner Sexuality Survey

Tamara Cooper

QUOTES:

• “After betrayal, but it’s normal to feel like you’re losing your mind.”
• “I am carefully and slowly speaking logic into where the core belief system has been derailed.”
• “Betrayal is a disease that doesn’t make any sense, and it’s maddening.”
• “We are born wanting to connect with someone else, and when you are out there by yourself, if someone pulls alongside you and sticks their arm out, you hold on for dear life.”

Dr. Rob and Tami share what a couple can expect when they sit down and talk with Dr. Rob in person or over Zoom when they are ready to address their infidelity and addiction issues. How do you know if a residential treatment is right for you? What do you do when your spouse still continues to lie to you after formal disclosure? All these questions answered, and more!

TAKEAWAYS:

[0:45] How long does it take to rewire a porn-addicted mind?

[4:50] Addicts think, ‘they can’t live without this’ but when they take a pause they realize that they didn’t die. That they can push through.

[6:45] My husband said he’d be honest about the affairs going forward. This has been a complete lie. Where do I go from here?

[8:45] Whatever you do, don’t give up on you.

[14:15] Unfortunately, you may never get what you want from that person.

[20:25] I fluctuate between me being a horrible person vs. me being a good person that just did a horrible thing. How can I differentiate?

[25:55] I struggle to take ownership. Not sure what I should do?

[34:25] If you have a question about your spouse’s addiction, write it down. Collect them, and then sit down at a scheduled time and talk about them.

[37:45] How do you know if residential treatment makes sense for you?

[45:00] What does it mean to do a consultation with Dr. Rob?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

QUOTES

• “The brain doesn’t get rewired, it’s not a motherboard, but it does adapt.”

• “You’re getting the kind of message that you have to work on your own life and what you want from the other person, you may never get; as much as you deserve it.”

• “Guilt is a good thing. Healthy guilt I made a mistake, I need to go back and fix it. Guilt is good information.”

Dr. Rob and Lora continue their discussion about self-awareness and honoring self while also thriving in a connected partnership. Leaving your partner doesn’t make the pain entirely go away, so you have to work to honor yourself whether you choose to stay or leave. Surround yourself with people who can support you and remind you of who you really are beyond what happened to you. There are great motivating factors behind an affair and an addiction, and understanding both will make all the difference in what you can expect as you heal after betrayal.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:25] How can you hold onto yourself and also thrive in a connected partnership?

[5:00] You may have been hurt, but you deserve to remember who you really are.

[6:43] Your life isn’t over, it’s evolving.

[8:00] When you were hurt, you were crushed. Now is the time to flaunt yourself!

[10:14] It’s hard to be a beginner, but lean into the laughter of trying new things.

[14:00] Trusting yourself can get you exactly where you want to be.

[15:05] What is an affair vs. an addictive problem?

[18:00] It is not your fault. When people cheat they are doing it for their reasons.

[20:22] Is it naive for a woman to think she won’t be cheated on by a man?

RESOURCES:

Sex and Relationship Healing

@RobWeissMSW

Sex Addiction 101

Seeking Integrity

Dr. Geoff Goodman

Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment

Partner Sexuality Survey

Lora Cheadle

QUOTES:

• “You may have been victimized, but you have to start remembering who you are.”
• “Trust yourself, and seek out outside support and wisdom.”
• “Addiction is a tool that the other person is using to make themselves feel better, and the tool is never going to solve it.”
• “Trust is the backbone of our relationships.”