NIGHTMARE ON 34TH STREET: A XMAS GROTESQUE

Words + Music by Geordie McElroy

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Part 1

What is the color of Christmas?

The white of untouched snow?

The green of a Douglas Fir

Or ceaseless mistletoe?

Could it be the red of stockings?

Or yule-log’s golden breath?

No. The color of Christmas is black

Black of a moonless winter's night

The black of coal in the abyss

The black of death

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Koopman’s Department Store presents:

The 12 Days of Christmas

Grand Parade to city conveyed

This season big business

Announcer from Channel Thirteen

Mic picked up howling wind

Nor’easter of the century

From Greenland rolling in

Each float branded to perfection

Each with a sponsored theme

Franzenstein gingerbread houses

Toscani nativity scenes

They rolled along 34th street

Up to Koopman’s revolving door

Where Steve and his wife Portia throned

King and Queen of the store

A masterpiece of art nouveau

Engulfing block, tower

Dazzling retail cathedral

Where hard won coin showered

The windows full of season’s displays

Gorgeous crystalline glass

Each winter fantasies

Available for cash

Announcer spoke up: “Here she comes

It’s Mercedes Koopman

Steve and Portia’s only daughter

With her vocal debut”

The pre-teen rode high on a float

Promoting her own brand

Hawking neon fast fashion

And song without a band

Just as Mercedes started up

Before her vocals dropped

Announcer said: “Wait… here comes Santa Claus?

And he’s coming in hot”

Santa revved red convertible

Madness flashed in his eyes

He aimed full speed for Koopman’s store

Mercedes forced to dive

The crash destroyed the singer’s float

As Santa stripped his clothes

Revealing a Satan suit beneath

To the crowd he exposed

Something from out of his waistband

From crotch depth fustiness

He waved it around and yodeled:

“The hammer of justice!”

With hardware Santa Claus screaming:

“You bourgeois pigs must die

This one goes out to you, my Pearl”

Blue-haired girl averted eyes

He raised the groin-secreted tool

Shattered Koopman’s displays

Screamed about theory of labor

And radical cliches

Christian protestors turned their backs

So-called allies turned...