In this episode, Scott Brassart discusses the addictive nature of sex and pornography, and how these addictions create dysregulation in the dopamine rewards system. Scott and Tami also answer participant questions about the difference between habits and addictions and timelines in recovery.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:10] The dopamine system craves rewards and pleasure.

[3:41] The danger of manipulating the dopamine system with addictions.

[6:13] Sexual fantasy delivers a high that is much cheaper than drugs, but just as dangerous.

[6:47] As a self-adjusting and self-healing organ, the brain senses when things are going wrong, but addicts respond by consuming even more.

[10:15] The downregulated brain will always win when chasing a higher high.

[15:26] How long does it take to reset a dysregulated dopamine system?

[16:12] Rerouting the pathways that addiction creates in our brains.

[19:05] Addicts are so focused on acting out that they aren’t paying attention to what they’re missing out on.

[21:51] People who pass the one year mark are much likelier to stay sober for the rest of their lives.

[23:18] Does the brain magically reset?

[24:01] Can sex addicts actually change?

[27:01] My addict husband doesn’t have any problem performing multiple times a day, how is that even possible?

[27:53] Why do I continue to lie to my partner when I know it’s causing her pain?

[32:35] My addictions and ADHD medication have dysregulated my system. What are my options?

[34:11] How can my partner keep relapsing when he promises me he won’t?

[39:36] How can I help my partner who is on the spectrum?

[40:25] How long does someone need sobriety before they can work on trauma?

[44:26] Can we incorporate specific sex acts into our relationship during recovery?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “There’s a reason we have a dopamine system. It’s part of our survival.”

• “The problem with addictions is that we can manipulate the dopamine system.”

• “For addicts, it’s much more about the hunt than the actual sex act.”

• “We have created a chemical imbalance in our brain through our addictions.”

• “Addicts are so focused on acting out that we’re not paying attention to what we’re missing out on.”

• “Once my brain reset I had no interest in going back to the misery.”

• “Addicts chase pleasure as a way of really avoiding pain.”

Mark Anthony Lord joins Tami to discuss the value of building a better Higher Power relationship, and why that can be a key to lasting recovery. He shares his personal addiction recovery experience, the joy he feels from being alive today, and how he was led to create the 12-Step Church.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:32] Sex and drugs recovery was the impetus for Mark’s spiritual path.

[4:47] Learning how to forgive is a critical component of effective healing.

[6:45] Church can be a place of gathering, healing and community.

[12:55] 12-Step Church offers connection and celebration in recovery.

[16:45] Recovering addicts deserve more than just being sober, we deserve to be happy and alive on purpose.

[22:48] Details for joining a weekly meeting with 12-Step Church.

[27:01] Addictions of all kinds are addressed at 12-Step Church.

[31:03] How am I still alive? The miracle of life after addiction.

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “My entire life took a completely different path because of one little moment.”

• “There’s always a number of people in recovery in the room at church, but the room wasn’t always designed for them.”

• “Wherever you are on this journey, that’s exactly where you’re supposed to be.”

• “We all deserve not only to be sober but to be happy.”

In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Erin Snow answers participant questions about fetishes and triggers – what they are, where they come from, and what they really mean about a person’s sexuality and the likelihood of successful recovery. She also offers resources and actions betrayed partners can employ to empower themselves while they offer support to their addicted partner.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:56] My husband’s fantasy about my sister underlines his addiction to non-consenting victims.

[4:00] All humans fantasize. That doesn’t make all behaviors acceptable.

[8:00] Do fetishes get more intense from watching porn?

[10:01] Can we incorporate healthy fetishes into our sex life?

[12:47] Is my fetish a sex addiction?

[15:13] What happened in my childhood that led to my fetish?

[20:20] My husband is defensive about watching teen porn. How can I keep myself and our children safe?

[26:29] I think my partner is protecting his addiction, he says I’m crazy. How can I protect myself?

[32:10] I’m going crazy waiting for my partner’s disclosure. What can I do to empower myself in this process?

[38:25] My partner is watching barely-legal porn. What does his fantasy say about our reality?

[45:13] What actions reduce intimacy? My partner doesn’t recognize all of the ways that I’m trying to connect with her.

[50:13] My partner has been lying about his recovery group. How can I reset clear boundaries?

[52:02] My partner never follows through with his safety plan and is relapsing again. I think I’m done, but where do I go from here?

[57:10] My partner’s CSAT causally diagnosed me in their session. Now what?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “Fetishes are not going anywhere. It’s part of your arousal template.”

• “Fetishes are neither good nor bad. It’s just a question of whether you can incorporate it into your sex life.”

• “Knowing the fantasty and the why behind it is not going to solve the problem.”

• “For most of us, recovery is literally learning a new language.”

• “Fantasy life and reality are two very different things that shouldn’t be compared at all.”

• “We are not going to judge you for staying or for going. But that decision has to be yours.”