Interview with Erin & Stephen Mitchell

Introduction

Dr. Allen Lycka introduces Erin and Stephen Mitchell, founders of Couples Counseling for Parents and authors of the book "Too Tired to Fight." The Mitchells have combined 23 years of experience helping parents stay connected amidst the chaos of raising a family. Their book, set to be released in July, covers 13 conflicts that are normal and necessary for maintaining strong partnerships after having children.

Getting Into Couples Counseling

• Erin & Stephen's Journey: Both started in counseling independently but realized a gap in resources for couples navigating parenting. After becoming parents, they recognized the importance of helping other parents maintain their relationships amidst parenting chaos.

The Role of Conflict in Relationships

• Stephen: Conflict isn't necessarily negative; it's about trying to convey something important. Problems arise when communication involves blame or criticism, leading to defensiveness and disconnection.
• Erin: Another issue is withdrawal. When conflicts are avoided, couples become disconnected. Resentment builds up over time, making conflicts more explosive.

Impact of Children on Relationship Conflicts

• Stephen: Children add stress and can trigger parents' past experiences, influencing their parenting styles. If parents aren't on the same page, it can lead to misunderstandings and conflict.
• Erin: Capacity diminishes with parenting responsibilities, making even small things, like a teacup left on the windowsill, feel significant. Communication skills are often the first to suffer.

Examples of Common Conflicts

1. "My Life Has Changed, and Yours Hasn't":

• Erin: A common sentiment where one partner feels overwhelmed by the responsibilities of parenting while perceiving the other as less affected. This feeling often arises because of differences in roles or responsibilities, such as the default parent who anticipates and plans for the children's needs.

1. Micromanaging Parenting:

• Stephen: One partner may feel their parenting is being constantly criticized or micromanaged, creating a dynamic where one feels like the expert and the other like an apprentice. This leads to resentment and a sense of being undervalued.
• Erin: Micromanaging usually stems from underlying fears or concerns, not a desire to control. Couples need to recognize and address these feelings to prevent the perception of criticism.

Techniques for Resolving Conflicts

• Conflict to Connection Equation: Intentional expression and intentional listening are key. Expressing deeper meanings behind conflicts (e.g., the teacup representing feeling overwhelmed) and listening without defensiveness fosters understanding and connection.

Emotional and Psychological Adjustments in Parenting

• Erin: Becoming a parent challenges one's emotional and psychological stability. It’s important for couples to have ongoing conversations about their parenting values and goals, as these will evolve over time. Understanding each other’s backgrounds and desires helps in aligning parenting approaches.

BIO:

Erin and Stephen Mitchell are the founders of Couples Counseling for Parents and authors of a celebrated new book coming out this July titled Too Tired to Fight (published by Putnam). Erin and Stephen have a combined 23 years of experience helping parents become and stay connected as partners amidst the often all-consuming responsibility and chaos of caring for and raising a busy family. In their book, Erin and Stephen walk couples through the 13 conflicts that are not just normal but necessary to keep a partnership strong once kids enter the picture.

Social Media:

https://www.instagram.com/couples.counseling.for.parents/

https://www.youtube.com/@couplescounselingforparents