Recorded September 7, 2021

We had been through so much together, my mother’s death, the anti-trafficking movement, our son’s life-threatening illness, and a hurricane. We clung to each other and had survived the darkness, but when things were slightly more stable… he leaves. I felt like it was my fault. I brought up my pain too much, but the pain never stopped. I was relieved he was leaving, yet the responsibility of parenting and paying bills was more than I could handle alone.

From October 2021 to August 2023, we lived separately but were neighbors and he worked on my property. The children and I focused on healing our relationships and selves. It was chaotic and difficult with few resources, he was always lurking, seemingly happy, and hurting himself at work. Suddenly earning income, August 2023, he provided a large home with enough space for our entire family.

Recorded August 7, 2021

He created opportunities to hurt me deeply; spending weeks or months, bringing me flowers, and writing love notes. He never really wanted sex, but almost always sexual. In 19 years, neither of us cheated. I thought that was a good thing, but I now realize it was a sign of a much bigger issue. When I would share something with him or be vulnerable, he would use that as an opportunity to hurt me even deeper. This conversation is about that cycle.

Recorded July 31, 2021

This. Is. Where. Things. Get. Wild. I went public with my story of being a trafficking survivor and former *adult* worker in 2009. In 2020, I published a book exposing the anti-trafficking movement and my experiences. Since 2009, I have lived with the stigma associated with being in the adult industry, AND my ex’s favorite fantasy was doing p*rn.

This left the question, why are we living with the stigma without the benefits of easier money? I was tired. So tired. Compared to all the other businesses it was easy money but he couldn't get it… up. Another opportunity, failed.

Recorded July 21, 2021

I didn’t like how he talked to me. He didn’t like me. I believe that sums it up. Lol!

Recorded July 1, 2021

After 16 moves in 2020, we finally had stable housing. The isolation was growing worse and I was no longer pretending to be okay.

Recorded August 12, 2020.

This episode makes me nauseous. I was so naïve. After this recording, we started a daily video series called Just Look At It. The show lasted less than 20 days. I took the kids and left, closing the doors to our business and our only stream of income. Leaving him, destroyed our brand and trust with our audience BUT I could not go on. The kids and I were having medical issues from the stress, we needed stability.

Recorded July 12, 2020.

I could not understand how he could not see everything I was doing to keep our household and business operating. My prior career was consulting, speaking, and writing; he was joining me in a new venture. I had charts and graphs to explain our leadership, relationship, and cycles, but the acceptable standard constantly shifted.

I work too much. I don't work enough. We never had enough money, and he wouldn't work or hold a job. He was supposed to care for our children for many years but didn't put much effort there either. I was quick to shut down conversations because I already knew that we would not make actual progress.

Early in our marriage, he started convincing me that my anger was a problem. I don’t remember what he said, but my feelings were THE problem. At one point he told me that if I didn’t fix my anger issues he would take the kids, and I would never see them again. I became passive, aggressive, and very confused… desperate to be loved. At the time of this recording, we had been married 16 years and I had no clue the games we were playing.