The State of Affairs
Rethinking Infidelity
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Narrated by:
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Esther Perel
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By:
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Esther Perel
About this listen
Iconic couples' therapist and best-selling author of Mating in Captivity Esther Perel returns with a groundbreaking and provocative look at infidelity, arguing for a more nuanced and less judgmental conversation about our transgressions.
An affair: It can rob a couple of their relationship, their happiness, their very identity. And yet this extremely common human experience is so poorly understood. Adultery has existed since marriage was invented, and so, too, the prohibition against it - in fact it has a tenacity that marriage can only envy.
So what are we to make of this time-honored taboo, universally forbidden yet universally practiced? For the past 10 years, master therapist Esther Perel has traveled the globe and worked with hundreds of couples who have been shattered by infidelity. In The State of Affairs she asks, why do we cheat? And why do happy people cheat? Why does infidelity hurt so much? And when we say infidelity, what exactly do we mean? Is an affair always the end of a marriage?
Affairs, she writes, have a lot to teach us about relationships. They provide unusual insight into our personal and cultural attitudes about love, lust, and commitment. Betrayal hurts, but it can be healed. An affair can even be the doorway to a new marriage - with the same person. With the right approach, Perel argues, couples can grow and learn from these tumultuous experiences, together or apart.
Fiercely intelligent, The State of Affairs provides a daring framework for understanding the intricacies of love and desire. As Perel writes, "Love is messy; infidelity more so. But it is also a window, like no other, into the crevices of the human heart."
After listening to Esther read The State of Affairs, continue on as she opens the door to her office and invites you to listen in on actual couple sessions. These are unscripted conversations of real, anonymous couples grappling with infidelity from her Audible Original podcast Where Should We Begin Begin? (courtesy of Audible Originals, LLC). As you enter this raw, intimate space with Esther, we hope you find the vocabulary for the conversations you may wish to have.
©2017 Esther Perel (P)2017 HarperCollins PublishersListeners also enjoyed...
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When Dr. Brandy Engler opened her sex therapy practice for women in Manhattan, she got a big surprise. Most of the calls were from men. They wanted to talk about womanizing, porn addiction, impotence, prostitutes - and most of all, love.
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Not what you'd expect
- By J Lee on 03-26-13
By: Brandy Engler, and others
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Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man
- Coping with Hidden Aggression - From the Bedroom to the Boardroom
- By: Scott Wetzler Ph.D.
- Narrated by: Matthew Josdal
- Length: 6 hrs and 54 mins
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Do you know one of these men? The catch-me-if-you-can lover...Phil's romantic and passionate one minute, distant and cold the next. The deviously manipulative coworker or boss...Jack denies resenting Nora's rapid rise in the company, but when they're assigned to work together on a project, he undermines her. The obstructionist, procrastinating husband...Bob keeps telling his wife he'll finish the painting job he began years ago, but he never seems to get around to it. These are all classic examples of the passive aggressive man.
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A good review of the PA type man
- By Dew on 12-29-17
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I Love You, but I'm Not in Love with You
- Seven Steps to Saving Your Relationship
- By: Andrew G. Marshall
- Narrated by: Andrew G. Marshall
- Length: 8 hrs and 18 mins
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In I Love You, but I'm Not in Love with You - a real-life relationship guide from couples' counselor Andrew G. Marshall - partners and individuals who have "fallen out of love" or want to rekindle the love that once was will learn how to use Marshall 's program with impressive results. This is a much-needed book to help men and women of all ages in any type of committed romantic relationship to truly understand love and to point out the everyday habits that undermine growing together.
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If you feel stuck in a relationship, this book is a MUST!
- By Christopher on 05-09-19
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The Breakup Bible
- The Smart Woman's Guide to Healing from a Breakup or Divorce
- By: Rachel Sussman
- Narrated by: Susan Boyce
- Length: 12 hrs and 6 mins
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Psychotherapist and breakup expert Rachel A. Sussman, LCSW, reveals the secrets every woman needs to get her life back on track. Drawing on hundreds of counseling sessions she's conducted with women at all stages of recovery, Sussman developed a proven three-phase process for healing from a breakup.
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lifesaver!
- By Dawson on 11-30-17
By: Rachel Sussman
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How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It
- By: Patricia Love, Steven Stosny
- Narrated by: Laural Merlington
- Length: 6 hrs and 49 mins
- Unabridged
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Men are right. The "relationship talk" does not help. Dr. Patricia Love’s and Dr. Steven Stosny’s How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It reveals the stunning truth about marital happiness: Love is not about better communication. It's about connection.
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Must read if your on the verge of loosing it all!
- By Chris on 07-19-15
By: Patricia Love, and others
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Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts
- Seven Questions to Ask Before - and After - You Marry
- By: Les Parrott, Leslie Parrott
- Narrated by: Les Parrott, Leslie Parrott
- Length: 4 hrs and 40 mins
- Unabridged
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More than a million couples can't be wrong! And with this updated edition of their award-winning book, Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott help you launch lifelong love like never before. This is more than an audiobook - it's an experience. Get ready for deeper intimacy with the best friend you'll ever have. Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, in more than 15 languages, is the most widely used marriage prep tool in the world.
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basically just a long advertisement
- By J. Sullivan on 07-06-16
By: Les Parrott, and others
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How Can I Forgive You?
- The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To
- By: Janis A. Spring, Michael Spring
- Narrated by: Coleen Marlo
- Length: 7 hrs and 33 mins
- Unabridged
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Until now, we have been taught that forgiveness is good for us and that good people forgive. Dr. Spring, a gifted therapist and the award-winning author of After the Affair, proposes a radical, life-affirming alternative that lets us overcome the corrosive effects of hate and get on with our lives - without forgiving. She also offers a powerful and unconventional model for genuine forgiveness - one that asks as much of the offender as it does of us.
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I'm a Christian
- By jelady on 06-14-19
By: Janis A. Spring, and others
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Love Understood
- The Science of Who, How and Why We Love
- By: Laura Mucha
- Narrated by: Laura Mucha
- Length: 10 hrs and 35 mins
- Unabridged
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Poets, philosophers and artists have been trying to explain romantic love for centuries, but it remains one of the most complex and intimidating terrains to navigate. Most people are afraid to be open and honest about their relationships...until now. For Love Understood, Laura Mucha has interviewed hundreds of strangers, from the ages of 8 to 95 in more than 40 countries, asking them to share their most personal stories, feelings and insights about love.
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Insightful, informative, and thought provoking
- By James on 03-05-19
By: Laura Mucha
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Party of One
- Truth, Longing, and the Subtle Art of Singleness
- By: Joy Beth Smith
- Narrated by: Madeleine Rose
- Length: 5 hrs and 49 mins
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Did you enter adulthood thinking marriage would find you, only to end up at a second-cousin's wedding, dodging yet another bouquet the night before you turned 30? Maybe you've started wondering if this the best the single life has to offer. Joy Beth Smith says it's not - that single life doesn't have to leave you constantly waiting for real life to begin. If you let go of the tired lies weighing you down, you can turn toward truth.
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Have hope, but don’t wait...
- By Jules on 10-20-18
By: Joy Beth Smith
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Deal Breakers
- When to Work on a Relationship and When to Walk Away
- By: Dr. Bethany Marshall
- Narrated by: Renée Raudman
- Length: 5 hrs and 16 mins
- Unabridged
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This is a book about men. Not all men, just emotionally unhealthy men. The ones who make you question, "Is it him or is it me? Am I making too big a deal out of this? I try to tell him how I feel, but he says I'm overreacting or needy or it's all my fault". Relationships are hard work, but how hard should they be? When do you know you are struggling too hard to make a relationship succeed?
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I Cried Thru The First Thirty Minutes...
- By Kimberley on 02-20-08
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Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away
- By: Gary Chapman
- Narrated by: Chris Fabry
- Length: 6 hrs and 47 mins
- Unabridged
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When you said, “I do”, you entered marriage with high hopes, dreaming it would be supremely happy. You never intended for it to be miserable. Millions of couples are struggling in desperate marriages. But the story doesn’t have to end there. Dr. Gary Chapman writes, “I believe that in every troubled marriage, one or both partners can take positive steps that have the potential for changing the emotional climate in their marriage.”
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encouragement through another chance
- By Brookley on 09-19-18
By: Gary Chapman
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To Have and to Hold
- Motherhood, Marriage, and the Modern Dilemma
- By: Molly Millwood
- Narrated by: Molly Millwood
- Length: 9 hrs and 1 min
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A clinical psychologist’s exploration of the modern dilemmas women face in the wake of new motherhood. When Molly Millwood became a mother, she was fully prepared for what she would gain: an adorable baby boy; hard-won mothering skills; and a messy, chaotic, beautiful life. But what she did not expect was what she would lose: aspects of her identity, a baseline level of happiness, a general sense of well-being.
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Pretty good
- By C Sandell on 03-07-21
By: Molly Millwood
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Every Heart Restored
- A Wife's Guide to Healing in the Wake of a Husband's Sexual Sin
- By: Fred Stoeker, Mike Yorkey, Stephen Arterburn - Forward, and others
- Narrated by: Carla Mercer-Meyer, Lyle Blaker
- Length: 11 hrs and 40 mins
- Unabridged
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As the wife of a man who is addicted to lust, pornography, or masturbation, you are not alone. Millions of men can't get through the day or the week without clicking on to their favorite Internet porn sites, thumbing through adult magazines, or watching sensual videos - and millions of wives suffer as a result. Over the past decade, nearly 400,000 men have found inspiration and hope in Every Man's Battle, the best-selling men's guide to victory over sexual sin. Now, here at last is the book for every woman who has become a casualty in the fight for sexual purity. Every Heart Restored offers godly guidance and wisdom for a woman facing such personal betrayal.
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Good Book, However...
- By hcmontessori on 03-11-21
By: Fred Stoeker, and others
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Good people in good marriages are having affairs. The workplace and the Internet have become fertile breeding grounds for “friendships” that can slowly and insidiously turn into love affairs. Yet you can protect your relationship from emotional or sexual betrayal by recognizing the red flags that mark the stages of slipping into an improper, dangerous intimacy that can threaten your marriage.
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When Good People Have Affairs
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This book condones affairs
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Once an affair comes to light, many unfaithful persons "wake up" and want to save their marriages. Yet they usually make terrible mistakes in their bungled attempts to win back their partners' trust. Linda J. MacDonald, an infidelity specialist for 23 years, has identified behaviors and attitudes that determine unfaithful persons' success or failure to mend their marriages after the wrecking ball of an affair. How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair offers practical advice for those who've strayed and want a second chance.
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Good people in good marriages are having affairs. The workplace and the Internet have become fertile breeding grounds for “friendships” that can slowly and insidiously turn into love affairs. Yet you can protect your relationship from emotional or sexual betrayal by recognizing the red flags that mark the stages of slipping into an improper, dangerous intimacy that can threaten your marriage.
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WORST to Read/Listen to if you are well past D Day
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By: Shirley P. Glass Ph.D., and others
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Religious Slant Takes Away from Seriousness
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Infidelity: The Best Worst Thing That Could Happen to Your Marriage was written to help couples navigate their way to healing after experiencing the devastating impact of physical and emotional affairs. Listening to this book will allow you the opportunity to process the affair, assess the damage, and make an informed choice about the future of your relationship.
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night time bed story
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Cheating in a Nutshell
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After being cheated on, individuals may feel battered by emotion, with nowhere to turn, and no roadmap in sight. International relationship advice authors Wayne and Tamara Mitchell provide that roadmap through Cheating in a Nutshell: What Infidelity Does to the Victim.
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Very anti-forgiveness
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After the Affair
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Many times infidelity is the death of a relationship - but an affair doesn't have to mean the end. Realistic ways of coping with pain, restoring self-esteem, and rebuilding trust and intimacy are available for the first time on audio in this guide by Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring. Dr. Spring is one of the few clinical psychologists in the US who specializes in infidelity. She offers original and proven strategies to those seeking guidance, sympathy, and solutions, laying to rest blame and recrimination and focusing instead on recovery.
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OW vs. Lover
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When it comes to adultery, never say, "It won't happen to me." Just when you think your marriage is safe from adultery is when you may be the most vulnerable. With eye-opening stories, clinical insights, and up-to-date data, Dave Carder reveals what adulterers learned the hard way - and what they want the rest of us to know to save us the pain.
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The Art of Showing Up
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With The Art of Showing Up, two master teachers apply the Toltec wisdom of The Four Agreements to the topic of creating authentic, healthy, and loving relationships. HeatherAsh Amara and don Miguel Ruiz Jr. share insights on key relationship skills including commitment, trust, healing, communication, and releasing. For each skill, they present guided practices to help you artfully apply these insights in your own relationships - starting with the essential relationship with yourself.
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The REPETITIVE Art of showing up.
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The Courage to Stay
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Rebuild the lost trust in your relationship, heal from the trauma of infidelity, and create a stronger, more resilient marriage with a proven program based on 22 years of clinical experience. Nothing hurts more than discovering your partner has been unfaithful. But an affair doesn’t mean your partner doesn’t love you or that your relationship is over. Many couples have recovered from infidelity and saved their marriages. You can too.
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realness
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Sex at Dawn
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Since Darwin's day, we've been told that sexual monogamy comes naturally to our species. Mainstream science - as well as religious and cultural institutions - has maintained that men and women evolved in families in which a man's possessions and protection were exchanged for a woman's fertility and fidelity. But this narrative is collapsing....
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Strawmen and Ad Hominems
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The Betrayal Bind
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What happens when your partner, your primary person, in an instant, becomes a source of danger and pain? The Betrayal Bind introduces new language, concepts, and imagery to explore the crucial relational dilemma that betrayed partners face when their significant other is unsafe to connect to, yet connection is the key to healing.
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Sex With a Cheating Person?! NO!
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Healing from Infidelity
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It is always difficult to deal with problems that occur constantly in our relationships, and people find it hard to overcome these problems in order to rebuild their relations with their partners. It is even harder when these problems arise because your partner cheats on you. This is one of the situations where it seems as if it is virtually impossible for you both to get back to how you were before. Many of these stories end with broken-hearted and angry breakups or divorces.
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Don’t waste your time
- By P. Coleman on 03-29-21
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Over the Top
- A Raw Journey to Self-Love
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A laugh-and-cry-out-loud memoir from the beloved star of Netflix’s Queer Eye, Jonathan Van Ness, sharing never-before-told, deeply personal stories of growing up gay, transforming pain into positivity, and embracing what makes you gorgeously different.
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Everything I knew it would be and more.
- By Cookie2703 on 09-24-19
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Love Unfu*ked
- Getting Your Relationship Sh!t Together
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No matter how much advice we get or how much work we do on our “stuff,” nothing ever seems to make the difference. The truth of it is, you’re woefully ill-equipped for one of the most life-defining things you will ever take on—being in a committed relationship. Whether you’re currently in one, want to be in one, half in–half out, getting over one, married, single, separated, divorced, or just overwhelmed with the whole thing, let’s cut through the morass of relationship schtick and put you back in charge.
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A candid kick in the a$$ about your relationships
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What listeners say about The State of Affairs
Average customer ratingsReviews - Please select the tabs below to change the source of reviews.
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- Jennifer C.
- 10-10-17
A compelling and novel look at infidelity
The State of Affairs is an insightful, layered, thought-provoking, thorough and original piece of work, and Esther Perel is pleasure to listen to. The author provides a compelling and novel exploration in an area that rarely gets an unbiased look. It takes courage to offer new perspectives on topics as contentious as infidelity, and where deeply entrenched absolutes exist. Perel's erudite, empathetic, steadying voice manages to pierce the veil of the collective unconscious and invite deeper consideration and intelligent discourse. This book, agree with the conclusions or not, will permanently broaden the landscape and our thinking around infidelity in a way that only Esther Perel can.
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32 people found this helpful
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- Chas
- 10-21-17
Refreshing look at an old problem
I think that this book is an honest examination of problems typical in any marriage/ long term relationship. Various scenarios and types of betrayal of ones partner are examined fo help one understand the factors that contribute to the betrayal. It offers hope that the problems can be identified and understood,bringing some comfort to both parties in the relationship.
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8 people found this helpful
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- Jason Martinko
- 11-07-17
Absolutely fantastic
If you have anything resembling traditional views on monogamy and marriage (and most of us do, to various extents) Be prepared to have the foundations of your beliefs dismantled. This should be required reading for all adults, and certainly for parents.
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- hunnybunny626
- 07-27-18
Extremely Interesting
As a person struggling with this issue I found this book extremely Interesting. it was enlightening to hear and think about infidelity beyond the incident. nothing is ever black and white and infidelity is definately a merky grey area.
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- Marylisa Sullivan
- 11-03-18
Loved it...
Esther Perel dives deep into the moral ambiguities of adultery. It was fascinating to listen to.
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- Hope
- 11-24-17
Expanding the Love Dimensions
This book is far and above an exploration of infidelity. Perel frankly explores the way we define love and relationship and the ways we connect in the complex network of human psyche, sexuality, family, and committed love. Beautiful! Challenging! Thank you for this work of art!
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- Koolio
- 08-03-18
Epiphanies galore!
Life changing. So much insight.
One of the best books I have ever read, and I read a lot.
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- Mrs. Bliss
- 04-17-19
Incredibly insightful and thought provoking
I am somebody who is pretty black-and-white about the subject of infidelity, however this book seriously challenged me. I was compelled to listen to it as often as possible, and was totally intrigued by the stories of the couples who were grappling with the issue of infidelity in their own relationships. Not only has it broadened my thinking about what a marriage could and should be, it has also helped me understand the nature of infidelity from a variety of perspectives. It has allowed me to activate my empathy on a much more granular level than ever before. If you are someone who has been betrayed in a relationship or who has questions about monogamy, this is an absolute must read!
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- Maggie Lally
- 10-19-19
Incredible
Changed my world in how I thought about infidelity and partnership. Amazing insight and powerful reflections.
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- Toni
- 02-02-21
Relatable yet refreshing
I’ve listened and read countless books on this topic. This book stands out with more insightful ways of seeing it from all angles. Also has interesting stats, real stories, and a variety of approaches for mending.
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