
Real Self-Care
A Transformative Program for Redefining Wellness (Crystals, Cleanses, and Bubble Baths Not Included)
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Narrated by:
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Pooja Lakshmin MD
About this listen
National Bestseller featured by Good Morning America, NPR's Code Switch, The New York Times, and The Guardian
NPR's "Books We Love for 2023"
Forbes' "Greatest Self-Help Books of All Time"
"Realistic and trustworthy"—InStyle
"This isn’t just another self-help book. It gives us a clear-eyed look at the way social systems drain our energy, and a concrete set of principles to rely on as we declare independence from these systems."—Martha Beck, New York Times bestselling author of The Way of Integrity
"This book is for anyone who’s ever removed a 'relaxing' sheet mask only to realize it hasn’t transformed you so much as your trash can.”—Jessica DeFino, The Unpublishable
From women’s mental health specialist and New York Times contributor Pooja Lakshmin, MD, comes a long-overdue reckoning with the contradictions of the wellness industry and a paradigm-shifting program for practicing real self-care that will empower, uplift, and maybe even start a revolution.
You may have noticed that it’s nearly impossible to go even a couple days without coming across the term self-care. A word that encompasses any number of lifestyle choices and products—from juice cleanses to yoga workshops to luxury bamboo sheets—self-care has exploded in our collective consciousness as a panacea for practically all of women’s problems.
Board-certified psychiatrist Dr. Pooja Lakshmin finds this cultural embrace of self-care incomplete at best and manipulative at worst. Fixing your troubles isn’t simple as buying a new day planner or signing up for a meditation class. These faux self-care practices keep us looking outward—comparing ourselves with others or striving for a certain type of perfection. Even worse, they exonerate an oppressive social system that has betrayed women and minorities.
Real self-care, in contrast, is an internal, self-reflective process that involves making difficult decisions in line with our values, and when we practice it, we shift our relationships, our workplaces, and even our broken systems.
In Real Self-Care, Lakshmin helps listeners understand what a real practice of caring for yourself could—and does—look like. Using case studies from her practice, clinical research, and the down-to-earth style that she's become known for, Lakshmin provides a step-by-step program for real and sustainable change and solace. Packed with actionable strategies to deal with common problems, Real Self-Care is a complete roadmap for women to set boundaries and move past guilt, treat themselves with compassion, get closer to themselves, and assert their power. The result—having ownership over one’s own life—is nothing less than a personal and social revolution.
* This audiobook includes a donwloadable PDF with The Real Self-Care Compass and Resources For Seeking Professional Help.
PLEASE NOTE: When you purchase this title, the accompanying PDF will be available in your Audible Library along with the audio.
©2023 Pooja Lakshmin (P)2023 Penguin AudioListeners also enjoyed...
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Critic reviews
"Instead of pushing us to strive–or suggesting a cleanse–Lakshmin provides tools for boundary setting and treating yourself with compassion."—NPR’s Books We Love for 2023
"In her practical guide to self-care, psychiatrist Pooja Lakshmin points out that so many elements of life are out of our control—which makes her arguments so much more realistic and trustworthy. Regular massages and manicures are incredible, but if you’re wondering why you still feel so stressed and rushed despite indulging in soothing activities, Lakshmin has the answer."—InStyle
"Lakshmin’s Real Self-Care is a self-help book that aims to offer self-care tips that go beyond telling individual people to buy more expensive face creams, and instead help readers both live within the systemic outrages of capitalism and find ways of changing the system."—Vox
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We all experience stuckness in our lives. We feel stuck in our relationships, career paths, body struggles, addiction issues, and more. Many of us know what we need to do to move forward—but find ourselves unable to take the leap to make it happen. And then we blame and shame ourselves, and stay in a loop of self-doubt that goes nowhere. The good news is you’re not lazy, crazy, or unmotivated. In this empowering and action-oriented guide, you’ll discover why we can’t think our way forward—and how to break through what’s holding us back.
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Mental health is a physical process
- By Meagen G. on 04-18-22
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The Loneliness Companion
- A Practical Guide for Improving Your Self-Esteem and Finding Comfort in Yourself
- By: Shrein H. Bahrami
- Narrated by: Gemma Sun
- Length: 3 hrs and 35 mins
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Being alone doesn’t have to be lonely. Consider taking time to reflect, regroup, and reconnect with the most important person in your life - you. The Loneliness Companion can help you cope with feelings of alienation and isolation while finding comfort and community in our hyperconnected modern world. Learn how to boost self-confidence and build self-esteem. The Loneliness Companion delivers real, actionable exercises and evidence-based strategies so you can navigate loneliness, heal from past relationships, and gain a healthier, positive approach to dating.
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A completely useless book
- By Anonymous User on 01-26-21
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The Practice of Groundedness
- A Transformative Path to Success That Feeds - Not Crushes - Your Soul
- By: Brad Stulberg
- Narrated by: Will Damron
- Length: 7 hrs and 3 mins
- Unabridged
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Performance
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Achievement often comes at a cost. Angst, restlessness, frayed relationships, exhaustion, and even substance abuse can be the unwanted side effects of an obsession with outward performance. While the high of occasional wins can keep you going for a while, playing into the always-on, never enough hustle culture ultimately takes a serious toll.
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Not for everyone
- By Carlos Rangel on 12-30-21
By: Brad Stulberg
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Sit Down to Rise Up
- By: Shelly Tygielski
- Narrated by: Shelly Tygielski
- Length: 7 hrs and 9 mins
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The practice of mindfulness is most often touted for its profound mind, body, and spirit benefits. Shelly Tygielski here shows that mindfulness can also be a powerful tool for spurring transformative collective action. In a winning combination of memoir, manifesto, and how-to, Tygielski shares her evolution from a Jerusalem-born child of traditional Sephardic Orthodox parents to a middle-class American suburban youth who questioned her faith to a young executive in corporate America.
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Relevant and Motivating
- By Shelly G on 07-01-22
By: Shelly Tygielski
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Perfectly Hidden Depression
- How to Break Free from the Perfectionism That Masks Your Depression
- By: Margaret Robinson Rutherford PhD
- Narrated by: Eleanor Caudill
- Length: 5 hrs and 51 mins
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If you were raised to believe that painful emotions are a sign of weakness, or if being vulnerable has always made you feel unsafe, then you may have survived by creating a perfect-looking life - a life where you appear to be successful, engaged, and always there for others. The problem? You're filled with self-criticism and shame, and you can't allow yourself to express fear, anger, loss, or grief. You recognize something is wrong, but you're not sure what exactly - only that you feel trapped and alone. If this sounds like you, you may have perfectly hidden depression (PHD).
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Amazing
- By Kimberly Davis on 10-27-20
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The Courage Habit
- How to Accept Your Fears, Release the Past, and Live Your Courageous Life
- By: Kate Swoboda, Bari Tessler MA
- Narrated by: Kate Marcin
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In The Courage Habit, certified life coach Kate Swoboda offers freedom from the outdated belief that one must be fearless in order to live courageously. Instead, she defines courage as a willingness to act on what we want in spite of our fears and offers an evidence-based program to help readers conquer their inner critic, overcome worries, increase resilience, work toward their highest aspirations, and make courage a habit every day.
By: Kate Swoboda, and others
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Let Go of the Guilt
- Stop Beating Yourself Up and Take Back Your Joy
- By: Valorie Burton
- Narrated by: Valorie Burton
- Length: 5 hrs and 52 mins
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Even women who feel fulfilled often struggle to meet the demands of modern life. Both working and stay-at-home moms agree that the expectations of women have risen dramatically in recent decades. As a result, many women overcompensate and over-apologize while the guilt dampens the joy of motherhood, relationships, and professional accomplishments. Let Go of the Guilt helps you peel back the layers of emotional, cultural, and spiritual expectations that make it difficult to navigate your multiple roles, dreams, and daily demands on your life.
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Not meant for non-religious people
- By Anna Amuse on 09-20-21
By: Valorie Burton
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Differently Wired
- Raising an Exceptional Child in a Conventional World
- By: Deborah Reber
- Narrated by: Deborah Reber
- Length: 8 hrs and 19 mins
- Unabridged
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Today millions of kids are stuck in a world that doesn't respect, support, or embrace who they really are - these are what Deborah Reber is calling the “differently wired” kids, the one in five children with ADHD, dyslexia, Asperger’s, and other neurodifferences. Their challenges are many. But now there’s hope. Written by Deborah Reber, a best-selling author and mother in the midst of an eye-opening journey with her son who is twice exceptional (he has ADHD, Asperger’s, and is highly gifted), Differently Wired is a how-to, a manifesto, a book of wise advice, and more.
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very well thought out but not for everyone
- By Trudy Owens on 01-01-19
By: Deborah Reber
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Your Turn
- How to Be an Adult
- By: Julie Lythcott-Haims
- Narrated by: Julie Lythcott-Haims
- Length: 20 hrs and 21 mins
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What does it mean to be an adult? In the 20th century, psychologists came up with five markers of adulthood: finish your education, get a job, leave home, marry, and have children. Since then, every generation has been held to those same markers. Yet so much has changed about the world and living in it since that sequence was formulated. All of those markers are choices, and they’re all valid, but any one person’s choices along those lines do not make them more or less an adult.
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Not the book that was advertised
- By M. Rogers on 04-13-21
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Trust Again
- By: Debi Silber PhD
- Narrated by: Debi Silber PhD
- Length: 7 hrs and 36 mins
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During times of betrayal, when we most need support, sometimes the ones we would turn to first are the betrayers. Other times, we’re saddled with shame and fear. But it’s during these times that we need to learn to trust again. This book offers support, comfort, and community to those struggling with feelings associated with betrayal and guides them to healing from painful experiences of it. Listeners will learn about and move through five stages from betrayal to breakthrough and will be lovingly guided with tools and strategies along the way.
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Life changing
- By KM on 07-27-22
By: Debi Silber PhD
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In my mind
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The relentless pursuit of high self-esteem has become a virtual religion - and a tyrannical one at that. Our ultracompetitive culture tells us we need to be constantly above average to feel good about ourselves, but there is always someone more attractive, successful, or intelligent than we are. And even when we do manage to grab hold of high self-esteem for a brief moment, we can't seem to keep it. Our sense of self-worth goes up and down like a ping-pong ball, rising and falling in lockstep with our latest success or failure.
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Learning self-compassion is transforming my life.
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Emergent Strategy
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In the tradition of Octavia Butler, here is radical self-help, society-help, and planet-help to shape the futures we want. Change is constant. The world, our bodies, and our minds are in a constant state of flux. They are a stream of ever-mutating, emergent patterns. Rather than steel ourselves against such change, Emergent Strategy teaches us to map and assess the swirling structures and to read them as they happen, all the better to shape that which ultimately shapes us, personally and politically.
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Great book. Too many footnotes.
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In Build the Life You Want, Arthur C. Brooks and Oprah Winfrey invite you to begin a journey toward greater happiness no matter how challenging your circumstances. Drawing on cutting-edge science and their years of helping people translate ideas into action, they show you how to improve your life right now instead of waiting for the outside world to change.
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What listeners say about Real Self-Care
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- M.E.
- 03-29-23
Helpful information for REAL and impactful self-care
After chasing wellness via many forms of “faux self-care”, this book served as a catalyst for getting to the root of what true and lasting self-care looks like. Thank you, Dr. Lakshmin!
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- pspin
- 04-30-23
Great book!
I really enjoyed this book and found the information very helpful. I also really enjoyed the author’s narration.
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- L.E.
- 05-13-23
Awesome
This book was much appreciated and needed. It will change your life and your family.
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- Lucas Martinez
- 04-26-23
Helpful and Insightful
This book is very helpful in answering why when I seemingly do self care things am I still feeling burned out and exhausted. This book resonated with me deeply and also helped me plan and exercise agency and implement true self care going forward. I cannot recommend this book more.
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- Barbara
- 05-16-23
Vocal fry made this audiobook unlistenable
I believe this book has much to offer in rethinking what self care actually means and looks like based on our experiences and identities. Unfortunately, this is a case where the author should not have narrated their own book. The author's near-constant vocal fry was so irritating that I couldn't get through chapter two. I'll buy a physical copy of the book.
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- Sunshine4ever
- 03-31-23
inspirational
I loved her down to Earth approach to complex life problems and unapologetic candor in sharing personal experiences. An eye-opening, must read book!
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- hope wells
- 04-03-23
Hit me like a ton of bricks!! 1000/10👏🏼
The best book I have read in a long time. Really dives deep into modern day “self-care” & the guilt we feel when we feel blah because we didn’t practice enough “self-care”
Self-care is drinking green juice, working out or cleaning the house - instead it’s aligning your life to your values & making space for what makes you feel fulfilled. This book breaks down how to get there. ❤️
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- Karen S
- 03-18-23
A True Game Changer
This book is the real deal. It’s a beautiful guide with many real life examples on setting boundaries, being aligned with one’s values, and finding a personal way toward real self care. As a huge proponent of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), I was pleasantly surprised at the way Pooja utilizes those techniques in her teachings. If you are looking for a way forward in creating positive change in your life, listen to or read this book.
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- Tish
- 03-24-23
Amazing for Indian women!
TY Pooja - I’ve been seeing an amazing therapist but listening and reading your book has also given me answers to help with my own life experiences - especially being in the medical field as well - we have many parallels - and yet this book has also given me the faith and beliefs of being my own self care and being open to gratitude is something taught - so thank you
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- A.P.
- 11-06-23
Important topic but flawed insofar as it claims to want to reach a general audience
As a man, the majority of the books I read on psychology, mental health, “self care,” etc are written by women, and nearly all of them misrepresent the fundamental male experience in some way. Despite that, I gain a lot from those books and I respect their authors a great deal. But this book really triples down on that misrepresentation in a uniquely egregious fashion.
I do not dispute the fundamental claims made by this author — women are targeted by “self care” to uphold systems wherein their needs, value, and worth are denied. No arguments from me, whatsoever.
It’s the relative, usually unspoken assumptions about men that irk me, here. Men are breaking at the seams and while it doesn’t always present itself in the ways that women are breaking, they’re broken, nonetheless.
This isn’t a negative review but a “calling in” of the author to do a deep dive on the other side of the gender aisle. I think, like Brené Brown has recently expressed, you’ll be shocked at how much men are truly suffering and how much they, too, have to bear under these oppressive systems.
Lastly, to stave off some inevitable criticism of this review, I’m totally fine with this book being by women, for women. That, however, does not excuse the fundamental misrepresentation that occurs in these pages. Men appear in this book primarily as the “flip-side” of an unequal statistic. “Women are X times likely to report depression/anxiety” etc. And yet the author shows little interest in uncovering the social markers and presentation of male suffering, which might be found in increases in su*cide, drug overdose, social alienation, etc.
I know this will be triggering for so many of you and I invite you to do some self-work to reflect on why that might be the case, but men need and deserve books about their suffering, too. And even when we don’t get that book, we deserve our for our pain to be represented accurately and not constantly placed in competition with women. We all lose when we place gendered suffering in competition.
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9 people found this helpful