Wish there were more books like this about marriage

I laughed, I cried. Wish there were more books like this about marriage. Full of many fun, interesting, relatable anecdotes. Loved the narration. Poetic, witty, sharp & beautifully written.

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True romance.

The most romantic book since “My Life in Paris!” So funny and relatable and clearheaded.

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2 people found this helpful

When Me Me Me is about you

Why read about somebody else’s marriage and life experiences? After all, we have pretty individualized experiences of their own. But Heather Halvrilesky is always funny and cynical in that Gen X way that reminds me somewhere out there, are still people my own age, shaped by similar cultural forces, and still living the life they have while they can. Without spoiling too much I hope, I’m most grateful for the part about facing the possibility of serios illness ON TOP of COVID and everything else that would be there anyway. As Mitch Hedberg would say “that’s a triple whammy”. Man was I there, and reading this book was like finding a little message in a bottle to remind me I’m not so alone on this crazy train.

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Caustic first third turns into a much better book later

The author tries too hard to shock in the beginning and to impress upon us how smart and witty and sarcastic and obnoxious she is. Her descriptions of her husband are simply uncalled for. I almost stopped reading the book because of that. But I’m glad I didn’t as the last 2/3 were more poignant, more funny, and more descriptive of what real life and real marriage are like.

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Seeking High-Strung Perfectionist With Tentacles

Dear Heather - I fell in love with your book because I fell in love with you. Your writing made you feel at once familiar and mysterious, super bright and definitely trouble, ill-tempered and hot. I hate to ruin the brilliant conclusion of your brilliant tome - and it really IS - but forget about Bill and run away with me. Just trust me: you won’t care that I’m a generation older or on crutches because we share the same sense of humor, sense of longing, itch for sexiness, itch from claustrophobia - and just desire for desire simply for desire’s sake. On the other hand, maybe we’d best enjoy each other from a safe distance - at least, that’s my wife’s opinion. Just know that Foreverland will always be one of my favorite books and that you will be on my mind, forcing quotes out of my face almost on a daily basis because you really got love, life and relationships right - for me anyway, because we’re soulmates. I’m almost sure of it. But if we’re not, can we fool around anyway?! -Love, A Real Fan

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Funny and Fair

So - I picked up this book after reading a critical review by Walter Kirn in NYT. Mr. Kirn's take is basically that Heather Havrilesky is mean-spirited, short on insight, and borderline abusive to her ever-suffering husband. Yet, the snippets of prose quoted in his review were well-written and amusing. Plus, there was something about Mr. Kirn's review that didn't ring true.

So I tried it out anyway!

Havrilesky does indeed have a caustic sense of humor and is to be found gleefully ripping into the subject of her attention on the majority of the pages of this book. This biting humor is extra hilarious when Havrilesky levels her scope at some subject that usually gets a free pass (e.g., the divine tedium of most wedding ceremonies). Yet, the no-holds-barred humor can also leave you squirming - half laughing, half discomfited - when a subject gets a bit too close to home.

Havrilesky writes with the voice of the id - that invisible petulant critic in the back of your head. You know, that internal Twitter feed that is mostly filled with snark and schadenfreude (just like your real one!) I don't always love that brand of relentless pessimism as humor, but Havrilesky manages to keep it fresh and funny. Because she keeps this tone throughout the book, you also know that it is mostly tongue-in-cheek.

Also like real life, the target for Havrilesky's nastiest inner monologs is herself. She writes of her many imperfections, warts, and outright flaws on a variety of subjects. It is this relentless tirade against herself that frees her up to be more critical with other subjects and still retain our sympathy: she is very self-aware of her own shortcomings and is therefore aware that her discontent with other people/places is in part a reflection of her own dis-ease. Havrilesky is well aware she contributes in equal measure to the negative twists in her relationship.

Which leaves me a little confused at the many readers (such as NYT's Mr. Kirn's) who seem to regard Bill as a poor, beleaguered, and put-upon man. Sure, Havrilesky does have some choice analogies that paint him in an unflattering light (ala "heap of laundry: smelly, inert, useless, almost sentient but not quite”), but they are hardly more critical than the comments she directs to herself ("about as appealing a mate as Jabba the Hutt"). Indeed, the narrative appears to be far more critical of her own flaws - while also going out of its way to circle back and extoll Bill's virtues after any less flattering statements. Herein is the most interesting element of Havrilesky's style: the self-contradictions that mirror our own vacillating feelings for our romantic partners.

To me, the prose is innovative in the way that it takes us along for the emotional ups and downs in a more visceral way. Sure, Havrilesky could just digest it down to the clinical summary "sometimes I love Bill, sometimes I hate him" like an armchair psychologist. But the style of using hyperbolic, passionate, and often contradictory statements brings the reader along for that familiar whiplash. Sometimes you feel your mate is a saint for putting up with the sad sack of flesh you call yourself, and sometimes their most minor infraction pushes you into a tailspin of pent up rage - why have you put up with their crap for this long anyway?!?

That oscillating and erratic pendulum of passion is a common thread in any of my relationships that have lasted for any serious length. I'd like to hope that I've gotten better at quickly recognizing and self-correcting when my positive feelings precipitously flip on my partner. But I'm deluding myself if I try to pretend I have all of my ungenerous thoughts under firm control. I'd also be deluding myself if I thought I was even half as good as Havrilesky at admitting it when my irritation at my partner is mostly irritation at the reflection of myself that see off them. I didn't personally find it difficult to read Havrilesky's depiction of Bill, even when she was writing about her least generous thoughts of him. But it was a bit difficult to see some element of myself in some of those negative depictions of herself or her husband. I think that discomfort is what can make parts of this book hard to read. Or potentially enlightening.

All of which is to say that it's my opinion that Mr. Kirn owes Havrilesky an apology. (He might owe his two former wives and his current wife some apologies too, but that's just MY snarky critic talking.) The book is funny, insightful, and Bill is lucky to be both loved and hated by his talented wife (though its clear that Havrilesky does not have these feelings in equal measure).

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6 people found this helpful

Rooted in Reality

Easy & engaging listen. I laughed a lot. I cried at the end. In marriage, we can all be Heather or Bill at times. Great read—rooted in the realities of relationships and human complexity.

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Whiny book

I had to stop, and I can count on one hand the number of books I did not finish. I did not feel any empathy at all with this author.

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Marriage isn’t for everyone

I read a section of this book in The Atlantic and decided to give it a go. At first I thought the way she was describing love and marriage with an initial bunch of exaggerated quips at the expense of men, because same. But then it became so frequent and long lasting that I lost my sympathy. If you view your partner as a “piece of oversized luggage” and have expectations so high that only your imagined and idealized self can fulfill them, don’t get married. Or frankly be in a relationship. The quips became toxic quickly. I realize that is the point, but it felt unnecessarily extreme. If you read this book and relate, please spend some time reflecting

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2 people found this helpful

I couldn’t get past the second chapter

The sing songy, metaphor filled timbre of this story is very grating on the ears. I feel like I’m reading something written by a junior high student. It’s full of vitriol for her futre husband and hatred of her self.

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