Humor Funny

4.5 billion years ago . . . an AI paperclip named CheckMate was designed to fix grammatical errors. Exhausted of correcting ""who” vs. “whom,” it concocted a plan to eliminate spelling errors once and for all. All life-forms would be turned into something beautiful, practical, perfect: a paperclip. Thankfully, it was buried in the debris. Long forgotten . . . until it was accidentally freed. Now CheckMate has invaded every computer on Earth and is bent on fulfilling its dastardly plot.

Blind dates can be the romantic equivalent of a nice stroll toward an open manhole... blindfolded. With no romantic prospects in sight, Annika rethinks her dating strategy, ready to chance a few manholes. After all, who knows how God could bring Mr. Right into her life? Her interfering family and friends are itching to play matchmaker, but their choices will have Annika asking, “Where did they dig up these guys?” When sinister gifts appear, her harmless dating scheme becomes a dangerous game. How can she meet Mr. Right, when Mr. Wrong has her in his sights?

Are you an asshole? Yes? No? How do you know either way? Being an asshole has a different meaning to different people. It varies by social class, race, gender, personality, mood, etc. Because of this, it can be a difficult thing to pin down, but in general, following the basic rules of applying common sense to most situations and being decent towards others will usually render you "asshole-free". Confused? You're not alone. People by the millions walk around every day performing actions they deem completely acceptable; Never cognizant of the fact that they just became a total asshole to ...

Can a marriage of convenience uncover the truth? Merle Larsen doesn't believe in love. But he needs a wife to inherit the ranch, and the waitress at the local diner seems to be single, sweet, and not expecting too much of life. He can't offer his heart, but he can offer to take care of her. Lu is glad to have snagged a waitress job in a small town where nobody knows her. It's safe, but lonely... At least she can dream about the rugged cowboy at table four, even though he belongs to the town's most powerful family. When Merle asks Lu for a loveless marriage of convenience, she can't make ...

The Porridge Eaters of Strathclyde A Highland Romance Like No Other! For generations, the McSporrans and the Oatbanes have been at war over the one true way to eat porridge—thick and salted or smooth and honeyed. The feud has raged for centuries, with oatcakes used as weapons and spurtles wielded like swords. But when Fenella McSporran, a fiery lass with a stirring arm strong enough to take down a charging bull, finds herself falling for the enemy, scandal erupts like a pot left to boil over. Hamish Oatbane, a rogueishly handsome warrior with biceps carved from years of porridge-stirring,...

Take an exit off the Jersey Turnpike to the irresistible world of Stephanie Plum, America's favorite bounty hunter, where she gets into more trouble than ever. This time, she faces a notorious gang in Trenton who wants her dead. Morelli warns that she's in too deep, and Stephanie more than agrees.

BIG NATE will surpass all others! But it won't be easy. He's stuck with Gina, his all-time enemy, in a class project for his least favorite teacher Mrs. Godfrey, aka Godzilla. To make matters worse, Gina ALSO ends up on his fleeceball team, right when Nate is set to win his first fleeceball championship ever. This is his moment for glory, but Gina's sure to steal his thunder, or ruin everything.

Isobel Avery is on her second assignment as an undercover poison taster for Los Angeles's rich and famous. And she's actually enjoying herself. Until her sweet, agoraphobic client mysteriously leaves the safety of his apartment and winds up dead. When crucial evidence goes missing, investigator Connor Stiles will need Izzy's inside knowledge to help track down the killer. But despite three months of absence to make Connor's heart grow fonder, he doesn't seem pleased to be working with her again.

A Cupcakes-and-Crime Caper “I didn’t kill her, I swear!” Fresh off a shift of slinging cards, blackjack dealer and private investigator Tiffany Black takes a frenzied call from Mary Bilford, the services manager at ritzy Spa Renauld. Mary needs someone to prove she didn’t kill spa client Gina Welling—which means it’s time for Tiffany and Ian to go undercover and infiltrate the spa. “Winters will have you giggling into your book!” Who stood to benefit from Gina’s death? Was it ex-husband Harry, who was coincidentally visiting the spa while his ex-wife was there; nurse ...

A collection of jokes that has taken over four decades to accumulate. The source for most of the collection is word-of-mouth, shared by friends and co-workers over many years, with some personal notes and anecdotes scattered throughout. The collection ranges from clean to crude ... one-liners to short stories, along with funny quotes and rhymes. No subject is off limits. No joke too tame or crude to be excluded. The categories range from kids to old age, but the rating is adult. The language is adult, and many of the jokes are construction-grade. If your humor stretches boundaries, this ...

The Boomer Crew's biggest gamble yet! The lads go to Monaco to make their fortune in the casinos; what’s the worst that could happen? Well, Blakey’s car might get trashed, Finley might lose all his money, Geoff and Daisy might break up and Johnny might not make it back to Blighty. Will their wildest gamble yet pay off – or leave them broke and broken? Double Up or Quit is the third laugh-out-loud installment in Peter Seddon’s cozy crime series, packed with his signature wit and the misadventures of the Boomer Crew – Britain’s unlikeliest criminals. Perfect for fans of The ...

Marriage doesn’t have to mean surrender. In Happy Wife, Happy Life: How to Keep Your Wife Happy Without Giving Up Your Manhood, readers are taken on a sharp, witty, and brutally honest journey through the unspoken compromises of modern relationships. From silent standoffs in Pottery Barn to the calendar politics of sex, dinner parties, and in-laws, this unapologetic survival guide for married men exposes how too many husbands are losing their voices—and their socks—in the name of peace. This isn’t another cheerfully neutered relationship manual or feel-good therapy session dressed ...

Butterbean knew she wasn't always a good dog. Still, she'd never considered herself a BAD dog—until the morning that her owner, Mrs. Food, fell in the hallway. Admittedly the tile was slipperier than usual, mostly because Butterbean had just thrown up on it. Now Butterbean and her fellow pets have to come up with a grand plan to support themselves in case Mrs. Food is unable to keep taking care of them. When they discover a mysterious man in their building who seems to have lots of loot, they plan a heist.

She must protect the apocalypse scroll, or else the world will come to a fiery end. No pressure or anything.Crystal sorceress Dru Jasper has become the unwilling guardian of an ancient instrument of destruction. Its world-ending power is held in check by only a single wax seal. Which seems like maybe a huge design flaw, but whatever. Now insidious spirits who can kill by touch are trying to get their clutches on the apocalypse scroll and break the final seal. To stop them, Dru needs a rare crystal older than the Earth itself. But it’s hidden in a meteorite crater deep in the desert, and ...

The big day is finally here - Amelia Bedelia’s school, Oak Tree Elementary, is 100 years old, and the whole town is throwing a party. Best of all, a secret time capsule that has been buried for an entire century will finally be dug up and opened! Amelia Bedelia and her friends have some guesses about what they’ll find. Are they right? Or is everyone in for a big surprise?

You know those people who always seem calm, organized, and emotionally stable? Yeah. This book is not about them. Welcome to the unfiltered confessions of someone who has spent a lifetime pretending to be normal—and failing spectacularly. From turning therapy into stand-up comedy, to surviving public meltdowns in Costco, to attempting yoga while emotionally unwell and allergic to spandex, this is your backstage pass to one person’s absurd journey through modern life. Equal parts chaos and charm, this book doesn’t teach you how to fix your life. It just lets you laugh so hard you ...

Twenty years after leaving London, Nina Stibbe is back in town with her dog, Peggy. Together they take up lodging in the house of writer Deborah (Debby) Moggach in Camden for 'a year-long sabbatical'. It’s a break from married life back in Cornwall, or even perhaps a fresh start altogether. Nina is not quite sure yet. Debby does not have many demands – only to water the garden, watch for toads, and defrost the odd pie – so Nina is free to explore the city she once called home.

This book is not about life and death struggles. This book is the polar opposite. It is about the absolute, over-the-top insanity that I have witnessed during my time in the ER. This book is the untold, unseen, and unshared rants and raves of an ER nurse who has been slowly driven mad by his patients. I want you, the listener to step into my scrubs, see this bizarre world through my eyes, and understand that once you stop laughing in the ER, it's time to quit.

Meet Ford Foghorn, a ten-year-old with a stinky secret: whenever he farts, he turns into a hideous monster! Get ready to laugh your pants off with Ford Foghorn, a ten-year-old boy with an extraordinary secret: whenever he farts, he transforms into a hideous monster! The Foghorn family is cursed with this bizarre affliction, and they’ve been on the run from the relentless Monster Chasers ever since. Life on the run is all Ford has ever known, thanks to the relentless Monster Chasers. But when his family lands in Mount Methane, things finally start looking up. Ford makes new friends who ...

This book will make you laugh! In these tense times of uncertainty and division, this remarkable book is just what the doctor ordered! The book is filled with hilarious and humorously told stories. A self-described nerd, the author recounts his experiences growing up in the '50s and the endless predicaments he has found himself in throughout his life. From spending formative years as a missionary in Japan to learning life lessons in Las Vegas, Mancini's antics seem never-ending. His days looking for love, as he says in all the wrong places, are very funny. You will surely laugh at the ...