Imago Relationship Theory claims we all have a mental "dating app" in our subconscious where the algorithm is secretly set to "parental lookalike mode."

Essentially, we swipe right on people who remind us of our parents—because why not add a sprinkle of childhood trauma to the romance cocktail, right?

Shan Marchant is a couples therapist and relationship expert, who you might recognise from the BBC’s Point of View, or her writing for Metro.

She uses Imago Relationship Therapy, after witnessing its ability to repair and revive her own 13+ year relationship.

During our conversation we delve into why we often choose partners who resemble one or both of our parents as these familiar traits spark chemistry, but the twist is that we’re not just looking for love; we’re signing up for a self-improvement bootcamp. According to Harville Hendrix and his partner Helen, who invented Imago, relationships are less about happily-ever-after and more about healing those childhood wounds.

So, if your partner seems oddly familiar, congratulations—you’ve matched with your Imago! Time for the work to begin…

You can find Shan here: https://www.shanmerchant.com/

If you enjoy our conversation, let me know!

00:00 Introduction to Imago Therapy and Its Concepts

02:55 Navigating Power Struggles in Relationships

06:13 The Importance of Prioritising Your Partner

08:48 Recognising Relationship Patterns and Taking Action

11:56 Reigniting Desire and Intimacy Over Time

14:57 Understanding Infidelity and Its Implications

18:11 The Role of Couples Therapy in Modern Relationships

20:59 Building Emotional Intelligence in Relationships

23:56 The Journey of Self-Acceptance and Affection

26:57 Conclusion and Resources for Couples

If you'd like access to exclusive features like personal posts, my new 32 page booklet, Sex Toys & Supplements for Thriving in Later Life, my private chat room, direct messaging for your burning questions, and Substack Live sessions with expert guests, consider becoming a paid subscriber! Your sex life will thank you for it. :)

Annual membership is just £49.99 (a better deal than £6.99/month) and supports the work behind creating weekly podcasts, managing social media, collaborating with health professionals, and producing valuable resources. This isn’t just a hobby—it’s my passion and profession.

Thousands of people are finally talking about intimacy, desire and pleasure without shame. Join them - subscribe now and you’ll receive my freebie - Top 10 Overlooked Secrets to Better Sex

Your subscription helps empower older individuals to feel sexually confident and access tools for pain-free, pleasurable intimacy.

What others are saying:

"I just finished listening to your podcast! I felt like I was sitting around the dinner table with friends, finally able to talk about what no one else does."

“First of all, let me tell you how awesome I think you are and how valuable I think your Substack is.”

“Your work is one of my new found joys. Thank you.”

Austin Cresap is therapist specialising in sex therapy and sex education in Seattle, Washington, and Hawaii.

In this conversation, she shared some fantastic ideas and practical tips for making intimacy easier, more playful and that takes the pressure out of who initiates sex. She talked about using a secret signal, like a coffee cup, to indicate interest in intimacy. Austin also introduced the "No, but…" approach, as a way of overcoming the challenge of mismatched libidos - a more thoughtful way to reject an act without rejecting your partner, keeping the connection intact.

For me, preparation is a big part of intimacy. Whether it’s putting on something that makes me feel attractive, doing my hair, or just mentally getting into the mood, it’s all part of the process. I also made the case for scheduling intimacy and we discussed why it’s not unromantic. As we discussed, we schedule everything else in life, so why not prioritise time for connection?

What really resonated with me was how creativity can transform intimacy. Whether it’s playful signals like the coffee cup, role-playing, or simply planning ahead, it’s all about keeping things fresh and fun. As Austin pointed out, these approaches help couples navigate busy lives and different arousal styles, making intimacy less about spontaneity and more about meaningful connection.

You can find Austin at:

http://www.icameheretotalktherapy.com

00:00 Introduction to Sex Advice for Seniors

01:54 Exploring Intimacy and Nonverbal Cues

12:20 Understanding Female Hormones and Sexuality

19:33 Cultural Perspectives on Aging and Sexuality

26:00 The Pressure of Performance in Sexual Relationships

30:10 Creative Approaches to Intimacy

If you enjoyed our conversation, let me know! I love to hear from my listeners (and it doesn’t happen often enough).

If you’ve found any of the tips on this or any of my shows helpful, a review on iTunes would go a very long way.

If you'd like access to exclusive features like personal posts, my new 32 page booklet, Sex Toys & Supplements for Thriving in Later Life, my private chat room, direct messaging for your burning questions, and Substack Live sessions with expert guests, consider becoming a paid subscriber! Your sex life will thank you for it. :)

Thousands of people are finally talking about intimacy, desire and pleasure without shame. Join them - subscribe now and you’ll receive my freebie - Top 10 Overlooked Secrets to Better Sex.

Annual membership is just £49.99 (a better deal than £6.99/month) and supports the work behind creating weekly podcasts, managing social media, collaborating with health professionals, and producing valuable resources. This isn’t just a hobby—it’s my passion and profession.

Your subscription helps empower older individuals to feel sexually confident and access tools for pain-free, pleasurable intimacy.

What others are saying:

"I just finished listening to your podcast! I felt like I was sitting around the dinner table with friends, finally able to talk about what no one else does."

“First of all, let me tell you how awesome I think you are and how valuable I think your Substack is.”

“Your work is one of my new found joys. Thank you.”

One of the perks of my job is having the opportunity to try out a multitude of sex toys, many of which made it into my booklet and the people behind their creation.

Suki Dunham is the co-founder of OhMiBod, one of my sponsors, and is a pioneer in a predominantly male industry. During our conversation, we talk about her early days as a sex tech entrepreneur, the challenges of marketing sexual health products and the future of sex toys, especially around the integration of AI.

I’m a great believer that sex toys are there to enhance sexual pleasure and aren’t in competition with penises and vaginas but rather a way to increase stimulation, especially at an age when both women and men may find it difficult to orgasm.

All the OhMiBod products are incredibly well made and safe, and there are even toys such as the LoveLife Rev that Suki has designed especially for people with arthritis who may find more traditional toys challenging to grip.

Suki is offering Sex Advice for Seniors followers: USE CODE SAFS20 for 20% off of Lovelifetoys.com.

If you'd like access to exclusive features like personal posts, my new 32 page booklet, Sex Toys & Supplements for Thriving in Later Life, my private chat room, direct messaging for your burning questions, and Substack Live sessions with expert guests, consider becoming a paid subscriber! Your sex life will thank you for it. :)

Annual membership is just £49.99 (a better deal than £6.99/month) and supports the work behind creating weekly podcasts, managing social media, collaborating with health professionals, and producing valuable resources. This isn’t just a hobby—it’s my passion and profession.

Thousands of people are finally talking about intimacy, desire and pleasure without shame. Join them - subscribe now and you’ll receive my freebie - Top 10 Overlooked Secrets to Better Sex

Your subscription helps empower older individuals to feel sexually confident and access tools for pain-free, pleasurable intimacy.

What others are saying:

"I just finished listening to your podcast! I felt like I was sitting around the dinner table with friends, finally able to talk about what no one else does."

“First of all, let me tell you how awesome I think you are and how valuable I think your Substack is.”

“Your work is one of my new found joys. Thank you.”