We’ve all been there. You make a plan to do something that you think is going to be really fun for you and your kids. But then, it turns out to not be as much fun as you thought. Your kids aren’t into it, they’re complaining, and you end up feeling disappointed, frustrated, and annoyed.

You’ll Learn:

• Real-life examples of shifting plans and expectations
• One of the guiding principles I follow to help with parenting pivots
• How planning and flexibility work together to create more peace and connection
• 5 steps to pivot when things are going the way you hoped

I’m talking about parenting pivots and flexibility when you’re dealing with grumpy moods, “I don’t wanna”s, and plans that get off track.

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Let’s start with a little story…

Years ago, my family was in Yosemite for a vacation, and we were all going bike riding. It was getting really, really hot, and we stopped along the trail so that we could go into the river and cool off. And one of my sons did NOT want to go in the river.

I was really stuck on this idea that we were all going to cool down in the river. We were cajoling him, trying to convince him to get into the water.

Finally, I realized that I could pivot from my expectation or my need for him to go in. I just let it go. I decided to enjoy myself in the water and let him enjoy whatever he was doing.

With that pivot, the whole energy shifted between the four of us because I settled down as the emotional leader in my family. My other family members settled down, and we were all at peace. We started to include my son in a different way that allowed him to participate. He would go to the backpack to get us some water or chips or take a towel back to the bikes.

He loved it, and it ended up being a really fun experience for us all. Because I was able to detach and pivot and shift into acceptance. To allow for people to be people. To allow for my own feelings and desires to be met. I trusted that it was going to be okay.

When you can detach from the desire for your child to participate in a certain way, you’ll be fine with whatever happens. Maybe they join you in the activity, maybe they don’t. Funny thing is, when you detach, kids often come back around and want to be involved. But if they don’t, you’re still okay.

This was a core principle of a church that I went to for a long time. The idea is that we have some basis of structure - a routine, plan, event, etc. But then something happens that you have to submit to. Maybe it’s a big feeling cycle, an illness, bad weather, or a new opportunity. And you have to adjust your expectations.

Being flexible and pivoting our plans was a huge struggle for me for a long time. Maybe you can relate.

Childhood trauma had me using hypervigilance and overplanning as a way to cope. And as a mom, I was really scared that if I didn’t overplan, my kids would act out, I would not stay calm, I would lose my crap on them, and I’d be a bad mom. I thought that by being really organized, I would keep myself and my kids safe.

But this isn’t an all-or-nothing. Having a plan is a really good idea. And we can be flexible in the way we respond when things don’t go the way we expect.

Every family needs an adult with some idea of how things are going to go. You need some kind of structure for when people are going to eat, what activities are coming up, how dinner, bedtime, and cleanup will go. Most families work well when there is some kind of rhythm and flow to your days and weeks.

But we also need to be able to submit to the spirit. In parenting, I think of this as