Burning down every structure to find a blank slate of pure desire and creativity.

Lazy. Leisure. I don't care what you call it - but I chose it and I've loved myself through it and the shame of it didn't ever consume me. It was honestly the most relaxing year of my life. I feel less inflammation in my body and mind. Quiet, peaceful, and enjoying the hell out of this year of privilege.

🫶🏻🪿

Poems from the podcast:

THE PROTECTOR:
I look over at you you look over at me
I was once you and now you're me, see?
I sense that your grip on the wheel is shut tight
So I'll be your passenger, won't put up a fight

You're such a small girl to be driving this bus
But each time you're dethroned you've come back with more fuss
Determined to keep your place at the wheel
This time, instead, I will make you a deal

I'll never take over what you don't freely give
I will laugh with you, cry with you, scream with you, live
Together we'll travel through highs and through lows
You'll teach me all things that I need to know.
I'll patiently sit here with wisdom of age
But you are the owner, protector, and sage

You are the one who has always been sturdy
While I flailed around, fixed myself in a hurry
But now I am here with a humbled old heart
I get it, you carry the much needed chart

I put my feet up on the dash in amazement
Seeing you clearly don't need a replacement

But promise me this if the moment feels right
You'll let me drive this damn bus one night.



FIRE:
I can feel the fire burning, starts small in my chest
Catches and rages, racing up towards the crest
There comes a point where I know I must choose
Do I let the fire out or pretend just to snooze?

I plead that the embers will dwindle and die
yet this path I've been paving says "feel fully alive"
So I muster my honesty, open my mouth
And release what's been pent up like rain for a drought.

With power and boldness, I forgot once existed
I sing of injustice that these actions feel twisted
Not ready to hear if I'm right or I'm wrong
Just dying to release this hell fury song

And in that grand moment the small girl inside me
Released her tight grip to hand over the key
In that moment she knew I could handle protection
That I'll speak of the truth at expense of connection

Staying quiet never kept me safe or at peace
It eroded self trust like a deep inner crease
So before I am sent to the ground in a tomb
I will growl, howl, and wail as I did from the womb.

When people teach you NOT to love who you are, that you alone are not enough without someone or something to rescue you, to give yourself up for someone else, to only live your life for someone or something.... it's abusive. Plain and simple.

I ramble about why I think everything hinges on loving yourself and how difficult it is to do. It doesn't just require standing in the mirror, saying nice words. It's apologizing to yourself, repairing with yourself, taking ownership for how you've treated yourself like shit in the name of putting others above yourself. It requires knowing yourself intimately, accepting all of the parts of your present, even if you wish they could be different. Standing up for yourself AND building yourself up. Difficult work. Rewarding work.