The [i]Dartford tunnel

Took its toll on our patience and our love and

My wife, trapped in traffic,

Fumed like an old kettle, fit to explode.

At home and with time on my hands and mischief in mind,

I turned to my mistress so fragrant and kind, and

Took the time to ‘get it on’ once more.

In the lavender filled washing liquid flavored air

Which oozed out of the white, wet tray above

The virgin white cube’s glass porthole,

To the background Brazilian Bossa nova rhythm of

The dirty dish washer

I quickly put her on the cooker top and

Screwed her lid right off!

Know what I mean boys?

Sure, my wife’s revolving bra’s and pants

In shocked surprise

Pressed their face against the glass and

[ii]Criticized my efforts, but this was a

Well-practiced event now,

A quick and illicit

Hunger-panging

[iii]Guilt-ridden

[iv]Aluminium pan banging affair

‘Cause you see, me and Mrs.. Sharwood, well,

[v]We got a thing goin' on and

Though we both know that it's wrong

It’s just much too strong

To let it go now

Beaten by a 4lb hammer

The [vi]Diamond wood grenade

Unmercifully split the [vii]knotted hazel

Bringing the proud and unyielding log to its knees

Like a Pole axe pounded into a pink pigs head, and so

Stripped of its Samson like strength

Its long grained meat now lay crackling in the fire.

“Just one more screw”

I thought

“Before she barges through the door” and

The cork,

Sucked out of the brown bottle’s neck

Bounced to exhaustion on the kitchen floor

Sweet and sour chicken and some long grain rice

Thawed the fiery ice of commuter madness, and

Served in front of a red hot roaring fire

With some chilled white wine

Unlike the M25, speedily

Turned winter into summer in

Double quick,

Quick double time

“Thank you my dear”

She said,

“That was lovely” and

“All that effort!”

“Yeah,” I thought

“You poor deluded thing.”

Little did she know that me and Mrs. Sharwood, well,

We got a thing goin' on and though we

Both know that it's wrong

It’s just much too strong

To let it go now

© 2012 Victor Robert Farrell

[i] Travelling anti-clockwise and North on the M25 will bring you to the Dartford Toll Tunnel which runs under the river Thames for nearly 1.5km.
[ii] My lovely wife, bless her, can’t help herself giving me advice in the kitchen! I think it’s because she has to clean up after me.
[iii] At the time of writing, I hated the fact that at this point in our lives, it was mostly my wife that was seen to have a ‘proper job’, you know, one that brings in a steady wage. I hate the fact that she comes home so tired. I just hate it. Mind you, I have done it myself as well!
[iv] If you are from the USA please feel free to insert Aluminum!
[v] "Me and Mrs. Jones" is a soul song written by Kenny Gamble and Leon Huff, describing an extramarital affair between a man and his lover, Mrs. Jones.
[vi] This is a fantastic device which splits logs into four! Worth every penny, even if it’s just to annoy the neighbours with all the banging. Of course I was making a nice warm cosy fire.

Support the show