21 - How To Stop Back Talk and Increase Cooperation Podcast Por arte de portada

21 - How To Stop Back Talk and Increase Cooperation

21 - How To Stop Back Talk and Increase Cooperation

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 Get ready to learn the number one solution to stopping back talk and at the same time, increasing cooperation. You'll be listening to an excerpt from my television show, Creating Cooperative Kids, that was taped in front of a live studio audience. Sit back and relax, and get ready to learn tips that could change the dynamics of your home or classroom. I surveyed parents over a 3 year period who attended my parenting workshops. The survey asked them what was their biggest complaints about the kids that brought them out to hear me speak. Now, the top 3 complaints I received were: they don't listen, they don't cooperate, and they talk back. When I brought these results up at other parent groups, the parents there agreed. Parents are hungry for the solution to these common and frustrating problems, but sometimes I'm able to change their perception completely when I tell them that a very high percentage of these problems are actually a symptom of something else and something the they can control. If you too are experiencing these same problems with your children, pay close attention as I reveal much of the cause of children not listening, a lack of cooperation and back talk. The most important thing that I want offer you might be difficult to embrace. The greatest cause of a lack of cooperation from the kids is something we parents can control... our kids don't feel fully connected to whoever the primary caregiver is. Connection is the key. I believe that we were all put on this earth to feel connected to others. We're supposed to feel connected in families, groups, teams and clubs. We are a species created to be with each other. And children, whether they're 3 or 13, have this same desire; to feel connected. I think all children really want their parents to listen to them and to truly see them. Children want their parents to really be there 100%. The worst thing we can do is to be talking to a child when we're on phones or using other distractions. The primary thing that I hope to help you all understand about reconnecting with children, is how to do this when children have been away from the primary caregiver for an extended period of time, perhaps overnight or all day at school. When kids wake up in the morning, they want to check in with mom or dad or whoever their primary caregiver is. It's almost as if they have a plug and they just wanna plug back into whoever is caring for them. It can even be a grandparent or a stepparent, whoever it is, they just crave to plug back in. They just wanna know that they are important, that they exist that you can hear them. That they still matter. A mom came to me one time and said, you know, I'm having this problem with my kids. Every morning they begin to fight at the breakfast table. They're 4 and 6, and I can't stand it. I'm ready to sell my kids to the zoo. Please tell me What I can do to stop this fighting when it happens. This is a perfect example of the symptom of a child not feeling plugged in and connected and as a result, misbehavior can occur. Back to this mom's need for help, I asked her, when this fighting breaks out, what is going on with her? She then went on to list all of the chaos she was generating in that moment. She said, "I'm a single mom and I'm loading the dishwasher, putting in a load of laundry, I'm making lunches, I'm folding clothes and I might even be trying to talk to my boss on the phone, all at the same time." In that moment listening to her, I could feel the stress coming from her while she explained everything. So I said to her, here's one solution that, if you put 100% of your effort into it, it could resolve this issue and reduce the one thing you want to stop... the fighting. So here is your assignment. Starting on Monday morning because it begins a new week, I want you to sit down at the breakfast table with your boys. Come to the table with some sort of timer and set it for 10 minutes, just 10 minutes. During that 10 minutes, I want you are to sit there quietly and calmly and don't speak. I mean, don't say one word. Your only job is to communicate through your facial expressions. That means a lot of smiling and nodding. Just 10 minutes. One additional step... because you've got a younger child, a 4 year old, you be more successful if you take the time to set this all up in advance with the boys. This way they'll know what to expect and won't get freaked out on Monday morning that mom has lost her ability to speak. Over the weekend, set up what the new breakfast morning scenario will look like and practice it with them. Mom then says to me... "You're kidding me, right?! That's your advice?! To sit for 10 minutes with my kids and not talk?! I said yes. She said that's the most ridiculous parenting advice I have ever heard." One of the things I wrote about in my book Love Limits and Lessons is that the the it's so important for us to plug in and connect with our kids and especially with young children. And it's good ...
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