Oooooofffff, Glennon, GIRL!

I sobbed.
I’m leaving my husband- it’s been years coming but I’ve lost all support after he’s flipped the narrative. Filling out state assistance forms all week and secretly packing until I have a plan- I won’t tell our girls.
And then, I pop you on.
It’s the first thing we can control, our intake. We can feel the pain in our stomachs and that makes us feel successful - at something- so in the beginning does that count as self harm? I was in junior high when I started restricting myself. If I wanted love, i needed to be pretty/ and pretty was not fat. My mom knew- she knew all I was consuming was Diet Coke and carrots. But (later revelations with therapy) confirmed I was ‘walking on eggshells’ with a borderline personality mom- which is where my anxiety kicked in. I knew she wasn’t doing thing right, that life could be easier but she insisted her was was the only way and I had to stick with her as the oldest child in a divorce (7y). I became her best friend- and had all the information with no context.
I feel like I don’t deserve a lot of things, but food was the first. I thought if I followed all the rules, karma would circle round and dole out the life I deserved. But instead, my husband has had going on nine surgeries, has been verbally abusive and restrictive and with a toxic family- finding enough help seemed impossible. Sometimes I thought if I didn’t eat maybe I would die in my sleep and it would all be over without hurting anyone’s feelings. My weaker immune system allowed me to pick my skin off and allow MRSA in fifteen times in two years. I was sure I would die. I was so depressed and then i found his other child. All while being a single parent because he is insanely selfish. I am envious of his ability to provide himself with self care no matter the situations.
I couldn’t allow my girls needs not to be met- so mine went without.
Now that I’m moving from in issue and finding a solution, my eating issues raised their hands and said ME NEXT, and I didn’t even know they were there.
Thank god for you, Brené, and Anna Mather. You are creating my catalyst (Van der Kolk and Reaching and Teaching- Children Exposed to Trauma (sorrels) also have helped. I finally have a tribe, they are just so far apart and famous…
Thank you

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