*(Hello, I’m the Narrator, and welcome, my fiends, to a tale of twisted tragedy, petrifying producers, and stage fright so bad it could raise the dead, literally, they’re all over the place. They’re actually the production crew.)*

*(Gather around for the opening monologue of ‘Tales From The Cryptkeeper William Shakespeare #1: Romeo Dracula and Juliet Van Helsing!’ and we can’t forget the subtitle ‘Part One: Cursed Starcrossed Lovers Who Are Really Having A Hard Time Of It’. For Pete’s sake! (Pete’s my non-related twin.) How do I put it? The book’s title is an overstuffed, silly oration (Wait until you read the story.) that’s not only way too long, but also redundantly redundant. Why not call the story, ‘The Haunting Horror of the Cursed Possessed Haunted Evil Demon Ghost House of Terror: A True Factual Tale Based on Actual Real Events That Really Happened (Probably)’? Hmm… Actually, that title might be better.)*

*(This fictional gem promises every spooky synonym in the thesaurus, as if the author was paid by the word and the scream. (Sorry… couldn’t help it.) Expect at least three forewords, two prologues, and a surprise epilogue written by the ghost of Stephen King’s editor. (Nope, not happening.) Let’s get on with the synopsis.)*

*(‘Tis I, the ‘Cryptkeeper William Shakespeare, Bard of the Bizarre, Playwright of the Paranormal (No, I'm lying. You already know who I am, but I thought I'd impersonate the thespian-boob.), and your host for a bone-chilling, blood-curdling theatrical production like no other: Tales of the Macabre! My magnum opus of misery, a dreadfully divine anthology of fiendish frights and ghastly giggles, ready to hit the boards of the cursed TARDIS Studio, a timeless building with more haunted history than Netflix has true crime docs.)*

*(But lo! What pigglet through yonder boardroom breaks? A mysterious cabal of shady "producers" (I use that term more loosely than an influencer's morals) descend upon my stage with sinister contracts and puppyish NDAs. Think: if Succession had a baby with The Exorcist and raised it on reality TV.)*

*(With names like Kandy Korpse, Biff Bezos, and Meryl Scream, these backers bring changes more terrifying than a reboot of The Office starring AI clones. They hijack my script, turn my tragedy into a TikTok musical, and cast actual monsters for authenticity. (What’s wrong with that?) )*

*(As I fight to preserve the integrity of my haunted show, I must face zombified interns *(no actual interns, only a female human whose only job is getting coffee)*, ghostly gaffers, possessed propmasters, and a kitten AI stage manager named Clippy.exe who just wants to "help you edit your soul.")*

**IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER AHEAD**

**MAKE SURE TO READ. IT'S IMPORTANT!!**

*(DISCLAIMER: None of that is true. None of those characters are in the story. After all, Tales of the Macabre is a low-budget production, and I do meme no-budget, like a CW reboot of 'The Blair Witch Project' shot entirely on expired Ring doorbell footage and funded by Spirit Halloween coupons.)*

*(NOW... back to the synopsis.)*

*(But the piece de resistance? My twisted take on Romeo and Juliet, retitled Romeo Dracula and Juliet Van Helsing! A bloodsucking boy toy and a monster-hunting maiden with sass, locked in a forbidden love more cursed than an HBO finale. (Think Game Of Thrones) )*

*(Will the Bard of Blood keep his show alive, or will these diabolical execs turn my scream-worthy stories into a sanitized streaming service special? To thine own horror be true... and stay tuned!)*

*(Coming soon to a cursed theater near you... with guest stars, gore, and glitter! (Only in the author's deepest... deepest of dreams.)*

*(Cry havoc, and let slip the clones of war!)*

Cryptkeeper Shakespeare: Horror comedy mashup, undead bard, haunted plays, spooky laughs, gothic ebook fun!