It Ain't Necessarily So

Hopeful and grateful Dad-to-be

Revisado: 08-21-21

I never wanted to be a dad. Mostly because I never wanted to be (like my father was) the policeman, the punisher. I had no conception of how parenting could be possible without punishment. Joanna and Julie have not only given me hope, but practical tools that make complete sense when thinking how I would want to be treated. I know in my bones (and tanned hide) that punishment made me resentful. The repeat offender rates of the US vs Europe also clearly show that protection works, but punishment does not. Why I didn't realize that the same should obviously apply to our children as well is beyond me.

For those struggling with thoughts like acknowledging feelings might be coddling kids, I thought of it in these terms: acknowledging is not the same as validating. By saying “You’re really upset that your balloon isn’t as good as your brother’s” you are stating what you think is true for your child at that moment. It tells them “I see the situation you are in (including some of the emotional stuff going on inside you)”. You aren’t making a judgement. So you are NOT saying:
- “You SHOULD feel that way”
- “If I were in your shoes, I’d feel the same way”
- “You have the best feelings. I wish everyone felt like you did”
You can think it's the dumbest thing to get upset about and still acknowledge that your child is upset. Does anyone really need our opinion on their feelings? The fact that you see what is going on and let your child know that you see it, is what helps.

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