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useful activities to transform your relationship

Revisado: 02-12-21

The book provides a guide to the working of our conscious and unconscious minds. Unlike a co-dependent relationship, which is an addition to control and approval (withholding, withdrawal, projection - you attribute to another person something that is actually going on at an unconscious level within yourself), a co-committed relationship is on in which two or more people support each other in being whole, complete individuals.

Part two of the book comprises useful activities for transforming your relationship.

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implementation would work without a facilitator?

Revisado: 02-12-21

The book was the results of the author's 25 years of clinical research, and have a 75% success rate. The book conveys the main principle that both men and women want to feel connection, and the pain of lacking that is the heart of the problems in a relationship. The application of attachment theory to adult romantic relationships is helpful, and would help couples to communicate better, understand their and their partner's motivations and actions better. Yet, the book did not discuss how to figure out whether a relationship is worth saving.

Despite good guidance provided, one may wonder whether one's own implementation would work without a facilitator.

If you are interested in the attachment theory, which was the basis on which this book was built, you may well be advised to also go to the sources, i.e. John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth.

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esto le resultó útil a 12 personas

Despite generalization, the advice is good and is

Revisado: 02-12-21

The author is a couples therapist with over 20 years of experience, whose wife is also a therapist. The book focuses heavily on psychoanalysis, e.g. it keeps discussing about the wounded child in each of us, and how we select our partners because we subconsciously seek our parents (or other childhood caretakers). We unconsciously seek a mate with negative and positive traits that match our parents. The negative traits usually outweigh the positive.

Personally, I'm not a fan of regressive psychology. Although it is understood that our childhoods have influenced who we have become as adults, but focusing too much on the past prevents us from focusing on steps necessary for the future.

Arguably, the book does not provide new ideal or concept, e.g. the only way to change your marriage is to stop trying to change your spouse and to work instead on your own issues. The book was based on relationships that didn't work, so there was no evidence that the relationships that do work really work the principles advised therein or otherwise.

Yet, the book makes senses. The authors provide some practical, meaningful, and insightful guidance towards understanding people, relationships, behaviors, and perspectives.

Despite generalization, the advice is good and is not by itself likely to cause problems, if read carefully and critically. 

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I found the book to be over-simplifying, and that

Revisado: 02-12-21

What I do not appreciate is that the book is sexist (gender-specific behavior). Not all men and women have 100% masculine or feminine qualities. Advice given merely reinforced stereotypes (men need space; women need someone to listen to them/emotional attachment). Thus, the book is unhelpful for those of us who do not fit the stereotypical personalities associated with our genders. 

Some of Gray’s advice is helpful (insofar as the individuals in a given relationship fall into Gray’s stereotypes), but they are not that profound.

A book may be worth as a starting point for understanding the opposite sex. The book was very repetitive, much longer than needed to convey it's message. 

In short, I found the book to be over-simplifying, and that might does more harm than good.

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Scientific, not religious, good

Revisado: 11-13-20

Scientific, not religious, explain how our brain manipulate our relationships.

Scientific explanation on differences between operation of brains of male and female, justifying different wiring to war and love.

Different personal style of attachment, driven by personal history, explains why we behave differently from our partners. This is useful. Driven by biological wiring, our automatic responses mess with our relationship, regardless of much positive thinking we employed. This book pointed out what to look for. Some of us created the reality that we resented with our own fear and unwillingness to share beyond a surface level.

Issues not addressed here are external sources of relationship troubles, e.g. money, illness, in-laws. Yet, it suggested ways to deal with "the third wheel", e.g. in-laws, children, drug and alcohol, friends, etc.

I found reader read with clear and easy to listen to.

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esto le resultó útil a 1 persona

Very enjoyable listening

Revisado: 11-04-20

Informative, encouraging and motivating, even if he is not your favorite tennis player, you will still enjoy it, describing how the underdog at the early days could turned the table and raised to world number 1.

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Common senses and basic advices.

Revisado: 10-30-20

Focus substantially on improving intimacy and also in coping with partner who has trauma in the past (what if you think your partner has a trauma response they are not aware of?). If you and your partner are not broken, psychologically, you may not need to read this book.

Several headings and sub-headings made respective sections being too brief, too shallow, not detailed explanation. Not many practical recommended steps you could follow and implement, rather opinion. Several parts are informative, but not action items to follow, e.g. benefit of physical touch, positive side of masturbation, dating advice.

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Bible oriented, worth listening for non-believer

Revisado: 10-07-20

Marriage ranked first as priority in life, communication (tone, time, trust, truth, teamwork) implies care or lack of it. A wife should be a cheerleader, a husband a greenhouse, encouraging growing together, having mutual goals, purposes. Disarming destructive dominance. Loving the other when he/she doesn't deserve it, reject score keeping. Don't make decision based on your emotion, but don't deny your anger, make anger legal in your relationship, but learn to avoid harsh words, complain and not criticize, listen and forgive.

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esto le resultó útil a 5 personas

Set goals, live life with purpose. Good for year-

Revisado: 09-23-20

Pro; reminds us of our own uniqueness, no one can be a better version of you, but you. Not for only reading, but with a workbook to fill in, forcing you to have interactive with the book. A collection of wide range of topics (e.g. visualization, sleep habit, parenting, work, career, personal finance, spiritual belief).

Encourage us to review all life areas, social, personal, health, education, relationships, employment, spiritual. Could be a book you read at X'Mas to review the year, and crafting your new year resolution also.

Con; Some workbook exercises are of commonsense. A book can be shorten and be more precise.

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Informative, resourceful, but discipline is needed

Revisado: 09-09-20

The book is a good collection of valuable ideas and advices on how to improve your relationship. It refers to several reputable authoritative studies in this field (e.g. John Gottman, Gary Chapman, Harville Hendrix), convenient for further research. This gives us a big picture at a quick glance on ingredient of good relationship (i.e. 25 habits). Yet, if you have read famous books of mentioned authors, several parts of this book would be repetitive to what you have read already.

The book suggests steps to follow to build mindful relationship, e.g. having mutual relationship goals, practice acceptance of your partners, connect and engage daily, create shared ritual, becoming an expert on your partner, develop active listening.

Despite the book being informative, its practicality depends on each individual. Detailed several steps are to be followed to establish new habits, e.g. 9 steps to initiate productive conflict. For example, habit # 20 manage your anger constructively, personally I think there are so many steps to follow, e.g. analyze situation calmly, examine deeper emotion why you are angry, remind yourself o what you want, all such steps may not be practical as those who could follow would not have needed the book, to begin with. If there are lesser steps to think of at the middle of the heat of argument, it could be more practical, e.g. notice the "repair attempt" of your partner, if any (as John Gottman suggested), and acknowledge that, and it signals possibility to reconnect.

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esto le resultó útil a 3 personas